Isn't it lovely?

Last night, while I was driving I felt my baby move for the first time! The experience brought tears to my eyes. It was like nothing I have known before. It's a pulsating feeling inside your lower belly and it is wonderful!

I know I have been quiet for a while and haven't posted. Honestly I haven't had much to say. I've been going through life one day at a time hoping for the best. The anatomy scan is scheduled for the first week of January. At that point we will have a clue if the Single Umbilical Artery has caused any birth defects for our baby. I'm wishing and hoping that everything will be OK, but alas like everything else it is out of my hands (I hate that!). I think after I get the results of that scan I can either breath a sigh of relief or prepare myself for what it means to care for a baby with potential birth defects.

On the bright side, now that I can feel the baby move, the ever consuming question of "Is she still alive in there?" gets answered frequently. Oh what a blessing!

Second Trimester

This week is the official start of the second trimester. Part of me still cannot believe I've made it this far! When we first started TTC, every month after my period, I would get out the calendar and mark what would be all the major milestones if I actually got pregnant that cycle. End of the first trimester was a huge milestone, along with possible due date, etc. Of course, after a year, it got really old. Now when I think back, I just laugh at my naivety.

Of course, after struggles with IF, with this pregnancy I have been so afraid to look into the future and actually plan anything in advance. I have a co-worker whose due date is in the same week as mine. She constantly talks about her plans and is astonished that I haven't made any.

I know, I have to actually start planning for this baby sometime, but it still seems too soon. Like I would jinx it if I planned too far ahead. Crazy?

The Results are in

A baby girl with no chromosomal abnormalities! Yeah! I know, the baby is still at a high risk for congenital heart and/or kidney disease. But I'll take my victories when I can. For now, no trisomies for my baby girl! yeah!

Too Much Information

Yesterday, I went in for my CVS to the perinatalogist office. First they did a 30 minute long detailed ultrasound and then the Doctor (let's call him Dr. Smilesalot) came in to talk to me right before the procedure. He said there were a couple of findings on the ultrasound that concerned him and he wanted to discuss them with me. The first one was my blood flow to the uterus was not optimal and this could be an early indicator of preeclampsia and we should watch for that, the other was the the fetus has a single umbilical artery. Normal fetuses have two umbilical arteries and one vein. But mine only has one. This could be an indicator for chromosomal abnormalities or a host of other congential problems.

At this point I was stunned and couldn't really think of what to say or ask. He sort of went on to downplay it and said, well nothing is for certain, but if the CVS results come back normal, they'd like to monitor me closely throughout the pregnancy.

So there I was in a state of shock, about to go through what turned out to be a not so easy CVS procedure. I, Ladies, am blessed with a tilted uterus, and every doctor who has ever examined me says, oh you have a tilted uterus, did you know that? Of course, I knew, I have only been told that a 100 times. Anyway, this time I told the doctor about my uterus, so that he could make a decision of whether to perform the procedure transvaginally or through the abdomin. He said, it's Ok, I think I can make it work transvaginally (you think? Doesn't instill much confidence, does it?). Anyway, what was supposed to be a 10 minute procedure turned out to take 45 minutes. He managed to collect the sample that he wanted and he was very pleased with himself. I'll get the results back sometime on Friday.

I had some bleeding last night which I know is not unexpected, but made me panic anyway. I called the emergency clinic number and Dr. Smilesalot called me back and told me to monitor it closely and call him back if it gets any worse through the night and then he proceeded to give me his direct cell phone number (which never happens). Anyway, as luck would have it my bleeding stopped shortly after and now I've had some minor spotting today, so I didn't have to use Dr. Smilealot's cell phone number.

So today, I got on the internet and researched "preeclampsia" and "Single Umbilical Artery". Both conditions sound very dire and scray. I'm not really sure what to do at this point, except hope and pray that everything will be OK.

CVS

The first time I got pregnant, I feverishly researched all of the prenatal testing and screenings available and agonized over what test I would subject myself and my unborn child to. Well, I never got far enough that time around.

Now, I have a CVS scheduled for next Wednesday. I know of the miscarriage risks, but I just can't take the uncertainty. I have to know if the baby is OK. Thankfully, my husband agrees with me. But as the time of my appointment nears, I find myself getting nervous about it. Has anyone out there had CVS? Do you care to share your experiences?

Status Update and a Meme

Last week, I ended up telling my team at work that I am pregnant. I actually wanted to keep it to myself a bit longer, but my hand was forced. I had called a staff meeting and they had all assembled in the conference room. As soon as I walked in, I smelled a colleagues perfume which triggered my nausea and sent me running out of the conference room and into the bathroom. I had to spend a little time in the bathroom to clean up and regain my composure. Then I walked back into the conference room apologizing for running out and announcing my pregnancy and sensitivity to smells and requested that perfumes be toned down for a few months around me.

I had hoped for a more graceful way of announcing my pregnancy, but at least that's now behind me. That's good, since I'm already showing (isn't it too early to show at 11 weeks?).

Other than that I've been taking it one day at a time. I have my bouts with nausea and vomiting, which make me miserable and happy at the same time.

And also I have been tagged. Thanks, Jill. You're as always so good to me. All the answers to this meme need to be just one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? on my desk
2. Where is your significant other? home
3. Your hair color? black
4. Your mother? Mary
5. Your father? Alan
6. Your favorite thing? eating
7. Your dream last night? alien invasion
8. Your dream/goal? happiness
9. The room you’re in? office
10. Your hobby? knitting
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Europe
13. Where were you last night? my aunt's house
14. What you’re not? patient
15. One of your wish list items? boots
16. Where you grew up? on the beach
17. The last thing you did? took a walk
18. What are you wearing? a dress
19. Your T.V.? large screen
20. Your pet? Atilla
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? anxious
23. Missing someone? cousin
24. Your car? Audi
25. Something you’re not wearing? earings
26. Favorite store? yarn shop
27. Your Summer? lovely
28. Love someone? my husband
29. Your favorite color? purple
30. When is the last time you laughed? last night
31. Last time you cried? last night

I know I'm supposed to pass this on and tag some people, but my lovely friend pepper hasn't been blogging for a while and I don't mean to intrude on her privacy and force her out, if she's not ready. Pepper just know that I'm thinking of you.

It's all worth it

So I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. She said that she'd use the Doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat. Wouldn't you know it, she searched around and around and there was nothing. At this point, I was about to have a heart attack. So she says, let's do a sonogram. So she puts the wand inside of me and she has the screen turned towards her which makes me panic even more. So finally she turns the screen towards me without saying a word and I'm struggling to make anything out when suddenly I see what looks like a baby raising its hand. At this point I say: "Is that what I think it is?". The doctor smiling says, yes your baby is saying Hi Mom. It was incredible, there it was the little one, alive and well and kicking up a storm. I had tears rolling down my face.

I haven't been this happy in a very long time! I cannot believe I've made it this far. I am 10 weeks pregnant! For the first time, I'm starting to believe that this could actually work.

As always, thank you all for helping me hold on to my sanity throughout this whole process.

9 Weeks

My first pregnancy was lost at 9 weeks, and no matter how hard I try to put that out of my mind and think positive thoughts, I'm not able to. My next appointment is next Monday (at 10 weeks). At times I find myself trying to come up with an excuse to call the OB office and get an earlier appointment. Then I tell myself that it probably is a good idea to give myself a break from ultrasounds since I still have a subchorionic bleed and and shoving the ultrasound wand inside there every week can't be good for that.

Over the weekend, I was practically paralyzed with fear, scrutinizing every pregnancy symptom or lack thereof. I know, it doesn't make any sense. Specially since I have always had all of my pregnancy symptoms leading all the way up to a pregnancy loss, i.e. pregnancy symptoms do not equal live baby. But what else do I have to cling to?

I think lack of physical activity has contributed to my state of mind. I'm still not allowed any form of physical activity, forget about aerobics, I can't even take walks or do yoga. As Dr. Niceguy put it, "Do as little as possible to get through the day". All this stillness is driving me crazy, making me look inwards and obsessively analyze every sensation, every feeling, every thought.

Oh, if I could just get through this week (she says repeatedly...)

Internal Conflict

I'm starting to believe that my body just doesn't know how to coexist with the babies. It's either me or them. My body has managed to miscarry and misplace my previous embryos. The little one I'm carrying right now, however, is a fighter. It tried to take me out over the weekend. At least that's what it felt like. I couldn't keep any food or water down over the weekend. I was hungry, dehydrated and nauseous for 48 hours which made me think I was going to die.

So an emergency visit to my REs office on Monday morning revealed that the little one is doing fine, but I am severely dehydrated. The nurses hooked me up to an IV for fluids and Dr. Hotstuff prescribed Zofran for the nausea and sent me to see my regular OB.

In the afternoon, when I was properly hydrated, I went to the my new OBs office and had them remove the IV and had my first appointment with the new Doctor, I'll call him Dr. NiceGuy. He was sweet and empathetic, and told me that I should take it easy and everything is OK and I probably have Hyperemesis Gravidarium (severe nausea and vomiting) and the Zofran should take care of that, and does it ever! I'm telling you ladies I was apprehensive about taking any drugs during pregnancy, but this one was like a miracle drug. After only one dose, I was able to drink Gatorade and eat some crackers. It was awesome!

So it seems like my lovley parasite and I are going to be able to coexist for now thanks to the marvels of modern medicine.

Exhale!

After a week of bedrest, I went in for my ultrasound yesterday. And all is well. There was a strong fetal heartbeat. Dr. Hotstuff said that there is still some blood at the site of the placenta so I should expect some spotting/light bleeding for another week or two, but not to worry about it. Great big sigh of relief!

I'm telling you ladies, bedrest is just not meant for me. I was driving myself and my poor husband crazy all last week. I know people have to go on bedrest for extended periods of time and I salute them for getting through it with their sanity intact. I almost couldn't make it through last week. I tried my best to relax and have faith and let nature takes its course with my pregnancy. Anyway, it's over and it ended on a high note, so I couldn't be happier.

After my exam Dr. Hotstuff asked me if I had made an appointment with my regular OB yet? My first instinct was to say, no, I never thought I'd make it this far, but I managed to just utter no. She instructed me to do so. At this point I asked for referral to OBs in the area (since my own is about an hour drive from my current residence). She asked me some questions about what I was looking for in an OB (male/female, small/large practice, etc.) and gave me a recommendation. I was so impressed with her taking the time to recommend the right practice. So I got home and called the OB office, the receptionist told me they schedule the first OB appointment for when I'm 10 weeks along. Considering all my previous failed pregnancies had required medical intervention way before week, I thought that's a bit late for a first OB appointment, but I didn't argue with her and just made the appointment, since I have another appointment next week with Dr. Hotstuff (my final 8 week appointment at the RE clinic).

As always thank you for all your well wishes and support.

Another Scare!

Yesterday, I was at work and just about to go to a meeting when I felt warm liquid between my legs. I rushed into the bathroom to find myself bleeding heavily with red blood. I almost passed out at the sight. So I used a maxi pad from the bathroom and ran back to my office and frantically called my clinic and asked for my nurse. The receptionist put me through to her voicemail. I called back telling her that I needed to speak to my nurse and not her voicemail and that it was an emergency. So finally my nurse gets on the phone asking me how bad the bleeding is and whether I am at home. I told her that I was at work. In that case, she said you should go to the clinic's other location which is closer to work, just call them and let them know you're coming in. So I call the other location and explain my predicament to the receptionist. She put me on hold for 15 minutes (and I am not exaggerating cause I was keeping track of time so that I can tell the doctor how long I'd been bleeding), just as I was about to give up and was contemplating going to the emergency room. The receptionist got back on the phone with an attitude to tell me that they can't see me and if my nurse wanted me to be seen at that location she herself should have called it in. I had managed to stay relatively calm up to that point, but right then I lost my composure and broke down and said "but listen lady I'm bleeding heavily" and tears prevented me from uttering anything else. So she puts me on hold for another minute, comes back to tell me that I should go to my own clinic and that they are expecting me.

So I'm not sure how I managed to drive myself to the clinic. On the way, I called my husband and told him to meet me there. So I get to the clinic and am rushed into an exam room. Dr. Hotstuff comes in and puts the ultrasound wand inside me and says cheerfully: "There it is!". I ask "There what is?" She said the baby's heartbeat. I am like, but how is this possible, I'm still bleeding heavily. So she explores inside a bit more and finds an area around the placenta and tells me that's the source of your bleed. You have a sub-chorionic bleed. It's bleeding that occurs when the placenta is attaching itself to the uterus and according to Dr' Hotstuff, it is not uncommon.

So I'm able to breath again. I was so sure the pregnancy was lost and am so thankful that it's not. The bad news is that Dr. Hotstuff prescribed bedrest for the rest of this week and I go back in for another ultrasound on Monday. So it's not over yet, but I'm taking it one day at a time and am so grateful to be pregnant.

300 Calories

According to the medical community a pregnant woman only needs to consume 300 more calories for the development of the fetus. To that I only have one thing to say: No Way in Hell! 300 calories? That's nothing. There's more than that in a single candy bar. I am in need of constant nourishment. I wake up in the middle of the night (sometimes twice) and have to eat something. This is not normal hunger. It's the "I'm starving and I will pass out momentarily if I don't get any food" type of hunger.

Not that I am complaining about pregnancy symptoms. I consider myself lucky to have them and to be pregnant (however tentative that maybe). Specially since I've been spotting/bleeding almost everyday for the last week. So any symptoms, starvation, fatigue, nausea is met with hope and excitement. It's just that I wonder who came up with the 300 calorie number. Maybe that works for people who "forget to have lunch", but not me.

One Long Night

Just as a I started to let my guards down I was faced yet again with uncertainty of life. OK, let me start from the beginning. On Monday I had my second Beta result which came back at an astounding 6453. I was feeling pretty good and told my parents and my sister. My parents were excited and wanted to have us over for a celebratory dinner on Tuesday night.

Tuesday morning I had a bit of spotting. I tried my best to not panic and remembered that spotting in first trimester is not always cause for concern. So by evening, I was feeling good again. We went to my parents and had a lovely dinner. I went to the bathroom after dinner, just to be faced with red blood flow, at this time I broke down into tears and couldn't get enough composure to make my way out of the bathroom. I spent what seemed like a long time in there. When I finally came out to tell my family what was happening, I could barely speak. So I called the emergency number at the clinic. The on-call doctor told me that if the bleeding continues for over an hour and I start having cramps, I should go to the ER, otherwise I should go to the clinic first thing in the morning.

On the drive home the cramping started, I was besides myself. When we got home, I discovered that the bleeding has actually slowed down. So I decided to wait it out. You can imagine what kind of night I had. Going to the bathroom for what seemed like every 15 minutes to check and see what's going on. Anyway, we made it to the clinic in the morning.

Dr. Hotstuff and nurse Grumpy were in the exam room. They did an ultrasound and there it was an actual yolk sak in the uterus. Of course, Dr. Hotstuff said that it was no guarantee of the viability of the pregnancy, but everything is as it should be. I should do another ultrasound in a week to see if there is a heartbeat. She said there was nothing to be done, I should just go home and relax and avoid stress (easier said than done).

We came home somewhat relived, but still confused. I took the rest of the day off and obsessed about every twinge of pain and every small cramp I felt. So, I decided to come to work today to at least keep busy and take my mind off of every little thing that's going on inside.

Thank You! Thank You!

OMG, I am still in shock! My Beta came back at 2267! That is a quite a BFP now, isn't it?

I must apologize for my last post. I was just feeling sorry for myself. Instead of rejoicing in what I have I was throwing myself a pity party. Well, No More! Now I can truly say that I am jumping for joy and I am truly ecstatic. I am still wary of what may lie ahead, but OMG I AM PREGNANT! I am not going to let the cynic in me take the joy away any more!!

Thank you ladies for your support and encouragement as always.

So I Caved

So I broke down and took the HPT this morning. It was Positive! I wish I could say that I'm ecstatic and jumping with joy, but I'm not. Don't get me wrong it's exactly what I had hoped for, but I'm just not a virgin any more. I've been here before. I know what a long path there is between a positive HPT and an actual live baby. This whole IF process has made me so jaded that I am not able to celebrate victories along the way. I hate it!! I wish I could enjoy it and be in the moment, but I can't. Isn't that terrible?

I have an actual live being(s) inside of me (for the moment anyway), but I'm doing my damnest not to dream, not to think, and not to become attached. What kind of joyless life is this anyway? My husband is even more guraded. When I told him the results of the test, he said "Well, congratulations, for now anyway."

How do you ladies get the joy back in your life after repeated failures and heartbreaks? Are you able to see yourself on the other side? With or without a baby?

To Test Or Not To Test

My beta is scheduled for this Friday 9/12. I can't decide whether to take an HPT before then or not. I know once I start taking them, I'll end up taking one every day until beta, hoping for a different result or praying that the result stays the same depending on the outcome.

Part of me, doesn't want to put myself through all that, telling me to wait until Friday for the somewhat definitive beta test. On the other hand, the OCD part of me wants to test every hour of every day until Friday and I oscillate between these two extreme positions. I am driving myself crazy.

When I start thinking of the whole FET process. It all seems so unreal and Sci-Fi like to me. You know, I can wrap my head around the IVF process and see how that could work. But FET? They actually freeze a live embryo and later thaw it expecting it to survive and turn into a real live person? Unreal! I know it does work, but it still seems so out of this world.

On the other hand, I think I actually have pregnancy symptoms. I know it could be the hormones and my imagination. But at times I am certain that I'm pregnant. Other times I fear that I am pregnant and it's another ectopic. I have pains on my left side where the last ectopic was. I know, I know, I'm going crazy. But what can you do?

15 going on 38

I must say that I have really enjoyed the estrogen ride of the FET protocol. It has been the strangest experience. I have had an unbelievable stamina and have felt invincible. Last weekend as I was driving into work (for the 3rd consecutive weekend), this song came on the radio, a song from my teenage years, and there it was! I was a teenager again, with all the hormones running through my system and I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me, ready for anything and everything. Later that day I even felt a pang of teenage angst. It was all there! Unbelievable! Has anyone else had similar experiences?

Well it was fun while it lasted. Tonight, I will start my PIO shots which will bring me back down to earth, I'm sure. I had my blood test and ultrasound this morning. Everything checks out, I'm on schedule for a transfer on Friday. I can't wait (See it's that teenage optimism again)!

Estrogen Rage?

I woke up yesterday morning in a state of panic. I had overslept for 15 minutes and it threw off my whole morning routine. My poor husband tried to make me breakfast and burnt the toast. And what did I do? I lashed out at him for "never doing anything right" and then went off to work and the saga continued. Everyone seemed incompetent and set on making me lose my temper. It wasn't until the afternoon that it dawned on me. I had taken my first estrogen injection the night before. Could this be estrogen rage?

After that pseudo-realization, I felt better. Mind you, I still was just as irritated and impatient, I just knew that every one wasn't out to get me (except maybe for my RE and my boss).

On Time Arrival

My AF arrived right on time yesterday. I went in for my baseline appointment this morning. Everything checks out. I start on the Del Estrogen shots tonight. Yippie! How I have missed the needles (NOT!). The FET protocol seems very simple. I only go in one more time (8/25) for a lining check and the transfer is scheduled for 8/29, the Friday before labor day weekend.

I'm kind of excited to be off the bench. I'm not sure how I feel about my chances of success for this cycle, but at least I am doing something.

Good News!

I talked to my nurse yesterday and my FET has been moved up! Yeah! She said if I manage to get my period early next week, I can start the cycle right away and have a tentative transfer date of Aug 29th. Apparently the embryology lab will be open the last week of August and they had a cancellation so they can fit me in.

I am so happy I don't have to wait another month. OK, I didn't do everything I thought I would do between cycles (exercise, lose weight, etc.), but I'm so glad that the wait will be over soon. I feel like since I started TTC, I've been waiting (and hoping) for something or other to happen and it's really wearing me down.

Here's to getting on the roller-coaster of another cycle!

2 Steps Forward 3 Steps back

This past weekend I went on an all girls trip with my sister and two of our female cousins. It was great! I had a lot of fun. We went to the beach and had ourselves a really good time. I was able to join in and have a drink or two (or three) with the rest of them and let myself forget about all my troubles for a while.

On the way back, I was dropping off one of my cousins at her house, it was just the two of us in the car, when she out of nowhere asked if I was going to try to get pregnant again! Now she knows of my recent ectopic pregnancy, but she doesn't know about my IF struggles. Of course, instead of responding, I started crying. My poor cousin, helplessly tried to console me to no avail. I just couldn't stop the tears, I must have gone on for what it seemed like a very long time. She kept apologizing for being insensitive and thoughtless, etc. etc. In the end, just as we approached her house, I was able to stop crying and tell her that I have a hard time talking about it right now and left it at that.

Absenteeism

I know I have been absent from my blog for a long time. Truth be told, I have been absent from my life for just as long. I mean, I have been going through the motions, going to work, making dinner, walking the dogs, visiting with family, etc., but through it all, I haven't really been there! It's like my life is a movie I'm watching on TV. I haven't been able to feel anything. I'm not sad or dejected, just not there. The crazy part is no one seems to have noticed. Occasionally, my husband has suspected that I may not be all there, but he has been walking on eggshells around me lately. So as far as he's concerned lack of emotional response may be a good thing for now.

Today, however, for the first time in a long time, I cried. I cried in the shower when I saw the scars from the tube removal surgery. I cried when my puppy (OK at 3.5 years, he's really not a puppy anymore) fell down the stairs in an overzealous attempt to walk me out to my car. Later on my way to work, on a conference call, I had an emotional response(slightly raised my voice) while disagreeing with a coworker. So I figured if I'm returning to my real life, I should also make an appearance in my virtual life.

Thank you all for your support all this time!

What's Next?

I had my follow-up appointment with my RE yesterday. He was nice and sympathetic as usual. He apologized again for the outcome of the cycle. So I was all armed and ready with all my questions about how defective I am after this surgery and how the lack of one tube will affect my fertility, if I were to try and conceive naturally. I know, it's a funny question to ask, considering I haven't had much success on my own. But I had managed to conceive twice without medical intervention. I just never carried to term (or anywhere close to term). Anyway, his answers as usual were not any more enlightening than the research I had done myself on the subject.

So onto FET#1. Since their embryology lab shuts down for a couple of weeks in August. My next chance for a cycle is in September. I hate waiting.

Nightly Conversations

After my embryo transfer last cycle, I would talk to my embryos every night before going to sleep. I would tell them about my day and share my hopes and dreams with them and at the end of the conversation, I would always ask them to "stick around" and "stay with Mommy" coaxing them to implant and grow. Little did I know that I had to be more specific in my request, telling them exactly where to stick!

Why don't you adopt?

Yesterday I was at my nephew's birthday party, he turned 12, when my Mom asked me out of the blue: "Joonie why don't you adopt a kid?" I was so taken aback by that question, I didn't know what to say. I was pondering a response as I was stuffing cake into my mouth, when my Mom realized that I hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation in the room for the last 15 minutes. So she went on to say, "You know, I mean like when you send money for kids in a third world country" I, breathing a sigh of relief said. "Sure. I will".

The truth of the matter is I haven't seriously considered adoption (the non-TV kind) yet. I haven't ruled it out, but I haven't given it much thought. I know that the process of adoption is very invasive to one's privacy. You have to provide all sorts of personal information about yourself and your family to the adoption agencies, etc. I'm not sure my husband will ever go for that. He is an intensely private person to the point of being paranoid. The man shreds all of our junk mail, even advertisement fliers. We have an unlisted number at our house that nobody knows about. My family and friends only call me on my cell phone (they don't have the home phone number). These are just a couple of examples that I can think of off the top of my head. So, I really don't think he'd be up for the providing all the info that goes into adoption paperwork.

Normalcy?

I want things to be back to normal(whatever normal is). I want to skip over the whole grieving process and get on with my life. I tried to go to work today, but I just couldn't make it out the door. My doctor told me to stay home for a week, but I thought if I went into the office, I'd help move things along and get back to my routine faster, but I just couldn't. I feel defeated by my pain and my loss.

There is some good news in my life. My Mom got released from the hospital yesterday. She is expected to make a full recovery. I try to take comfort in that, but I can't. I try to be grateful for what I do have, a wonderful husband, my family, my dogs, my job, etc., but I can't. I feel nothing but despair, and I hate that.

You ladies have all been so wonderful and supporting and I know I'm lucky to have you, even if I don't feel particularly lucky right now.

I am not the one

As it turns out, I am not the low Beta Heroine. I went in for my ultrasound on Friday. Nurse Lovely and Dr. Hotstuff were all smiles. Dr. Hotstuff asked me if I had any symptoms, problems. I said that I've been spotting almost every day and have mild cramping. She said that is normal and nothing to worry about. So they started looking inside of me and searched and searched but there was nothing! The doctor asked where I had my cramps. I said mostly on the left side. So Nurse Lovely moved the wand to the the left and there it was! My embryo! I could see it's heartbeat! The nurse and the doctor looked at each other and Dr. Hotstuff told me: Joonie I'm very sorry. I was confused! What's there to be sorry about? There's my embryo and it has a heartbeat. Dr. Hotstuff said, unfortunately the embryo has implanted in your left fallopian tube. As she said that I felt tears coming down my face, my husband stood up and held my hand. The room was spinning all around me. The doctor said, since the embryo has a heartbeat we cannot treat you medically we have to remove your tube surgically. Since you're already doing IVF, losing a tube ....

At this point I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. I thought I'm losing my baby and my left tube! It's true I'm doing IVF, but I still like to harbor the fantasy that I'd still be able to conceive on my own some day. Since I was doing so magnificently with both tubes, the malevolent IF dieties decided to take away one, just to see how I'd do.

Dr. Hotstuff continued, Joonie we need to schedule the surgery for today. It's really not safe to wait, we do no want to risk the tube rupturing and causing you internal injuries. I'm not sure how my husband managed to get me out of the clinic and home. At home we waited to hear from the surgeon and the operating room availability. Before I knew it we were at the hospital and I was being prepped for surgery. It all went so fast, I barely had time to process any of my feelings. By Friday night, I was home minus my embryo and my left tube, all hopped up on Percocet.

Today, two days later I'm still high on Percocet and unable to process what's happened to me.

My own RE has called me everyday to check on me. He keeps saying how sorry he is and how the chance of the embryo implantation in the tube while doing IVF treatment is less than one percent! Less than one percent! Lucky me!!

I am a statistician and an engineer. I am very much familiar with numbers and probabilities. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought well the probability of a miscarriage is about 20% so I just got unlucky. It happens. The same thought went through my head with my subsequent chemical pregnancy. When my first round of IVF failed. I thought well, I knew the chances were 50-50. It was a coin-toss. I lost at the game of chance again. But this time, the chance of this happening was less that one percent! One percent! This doesn't feel like bad luck any more. It feels deliberate. Like someone or something is doing this to me on purpose!

Never a dull moment

My mom has been admitted to the hospital for kidney failure. She thought she had the stomach flu a couple of days ago and she wasn't able to keep any food down. Yesterday she was so dehydrated that my Dad finally took her to the emergency room. After hours in the ER she was given and IV and admitted for kidney failure. Her doctor says that the dehydration could have caused the kidney failure and hopefully she will regain her kidney function in a couple of days but she needs to stay in the hospital for the duration and just in case the kidneys don't recover.

I haven't been to the hospital to see her yet. My clinic has told me to avoid ERs and hospital if I can at early stages of pregnancy. I am really torn between wanting to go to the hospital t0 see my Mom and not wanting to put my pregnancy at risk. To make matters worse, my sister has been out of town as well. So my parents are there at the hospital all by themselves.

I know I am supposed to avoid stress, but how does one really do that? Life is stressful. If it's not one thing it's another.

Thumbs Up

Yesterday, I was walking around in the kitchen when I tripped over a dog toy (they are everywhere) and almost fell on my ass. Well, being pregnant and all I was horrified at the thought of falling so I broke my fall with my right hand. Well, more specifically with my right thumb. Let me tell you it hurt! And today I have hitch-hiker's thumb. It has swollen so much that I pretty much can't do anything with my right hand. Who knew you needed your thumb for so many things? I can't write, I can't cloth myself (have difficulty with buttons and zippers). My typing speed is severely compromised. I can barely drive. I don't believe I have broken anything. So this too will pass. In the meantime, it's providing much needed comic relief for my husband.

On the bright side, my beta is up to 1958 and I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday. Yeah!

Exhale!

My beta is up to 550. My nurse said that they'll repeat the beta on Monday and if it's over 1000, they'll schedule an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy a week from Monday. My clinic is so conservative they refuse to even tell me that I'm pregnant until it has been confirmed by an ultrasound, do you guys believe that? Right now, I just have a positive beta test as they put it, but I will only be categorized as pregnant after the ultrasound. I don't care what they say, I am pregnant and I feel pregnant. I know that for many reasons this pregnancy may not be viable. I've had my share of pregnancy loss, however, for now, for today, I AM PREGNANT!

I can't thank all of you enough for your support over the past week. I couldn't have gotten through it without you.

194 and spotting

I got the call from the clinic. My beta is up to 194! And I have started spotting again. Can't have good news without the bad. I guess technically I am pregnant, eventhough this pregnancy may still not be viable. Next beta is scheduled for Friday. I'm taking it one day at a time. At least I had this week off and didn't have to go to work.

As much as I try to keep hope at bay as to not set myself up again for another fall, I so want this to work out. I so want to be the one who started out with low beta and carried to term. Oh please oh please let it be me.

Beta Purgatory

I've had a trying few days and it's not over yet. After my low beta on Friday, I spent the weekend preparing myself for the inevitable loss that was to come on Monday. I kept myself occupied did a lot of retail therapy. We had originally planned to go to the beach this week with my in-laws. I decided it wasn't all bad at least I didn't have to go to work and I could drown my sorrows in a margarita or two. So we decided to leave Tuesday morning (since I had to redo the beta test on Monday).

On Monday I went shopping with my cousin. I just couldn't sit at home and wait for the test results I had to be up and about. Anyway, so I get the call from the clinic in the afternoon. My nurse says that my Beta is rising nicely! It has more than tripled! It is up to 71 right now. However, it is still low and they are concerned and want to repeat the test on Wednesday morning. I could barely contain myself. I immediately called my husband my Mom and my sister and gave them the good news. Well, the IF Gods weren't done playing their game with me yet. An hour after I got the 2nd beta results, I started bleeding. Not spotting, bleeding. I called the clinic and waited for what seemed an eternity for my nurse to call me back. She said it could be the start of a miscarriage and there's not much that can be done about it. All I can do is wait until Wednesday and re-take the blood test. Oh, and I shouldn't leave town (There goes our beach vacation) You can imagine how terrible I felt. Over the past few days I believe I have felt every emotion known to womankind, fear, grief, anger, frustration, loss, hope, joy, ....

Anyway, the bleeding stopped yesterday. I don't even know if I should take that as a good sign. I am incapable of feeling one way or another about anything anymore. I went in for my beta today and am waiting to hear back from the clinic. Thank you all for your kind comments and well wishes.

Non-zero Beta

I don't know what's worse, getting a BFN or a really low Beta. My Beta is 16. So technically I'm pregnant since anything above 5 is considered pregnant. But most likely not for long.

I am a little too numb right now to feel one way or another about it. I was expecting a yes or no answer and I got a most probably no. I hate this!

Two days till Beta

Well, that pretty much sums up my life!

Dream a little dream

I had the most wonderful dream last night! A dream so vivid, so real that it feels more like a memory. I was holding my baby. I still recall the warmth of her body and the smell of her skin. The feeling was divine! It has stayed with me throughout the day.

Blame it on the hormones

I forgot my cousin/BFF's birthday again! This is the second year in a row that I haven't called her on her birthday. Her birthday was on Sunday and that was the day of the retrieval and I just forgot to call her. But that's not all. Once I remembered her birthday yesterday, I still didn't call her. This time I made a conscious choice not to call her. I figured there is a reason why I have been forgetting her birthday two years in a row (that's not like me). After some soul searching I came to the conclusion that I still have some hurt feelings and harbor some resentment towards here. So here's the backstory:

My cousin and I are the same age. We're actually only a week apart (I'm younger). We had a close relationship growing up. We had a lot in common. Eventhough we haven't lived in the same town since we turned 18 and went away to different colleges, we tried to keep in close touch. We both ended up becoming engineers. We both got married in the same year, and so on. We now live on opposite coasts.

When it came to having children our paths differed. She has a son that will turn 4 in June and I'm still here. Now when she got pregnant I was very excited for her! I even flew over to the opposite coast (where she lives now) to visit with her for a week when she was in her second trimester and her husband had to go on a business trip out of the country. Even as I struggled with TTC, her motherhood never bothered me.

However, things started to change after I had my miscarriage last year. She called me once 3 weeks after she had heard the news from my sister. I just expected more from her. When she had a false positive triple screen test and had to wait for her amnio test results, I called her every day and checked on her. But when I had a miscarriage, and I was specially needy, she called me only once 3 weeks later. Her excuse was that she had been busy and really just didn't know what to say to me.

So I realized that eversince my miscarriage last year, I just don't feel the same towards her. It's not like I've actively held a grudge or anything. We have kept in touch and talked on the phone all the while not feeling an ounce of intimacy in our conversations/relationship. For that same reason, I have not shared any of my IF struggles with her.

So now the question is where do we go from here? Will things ever be the same? Should I call her and pour my heart out to her in an attempt to salvage our friendship?

Truth or Dare

I have never been much of dare devil. I've always been very cautious and conservative and chosen "truth" every time. However, I find myself daring to hope again! Eventhough, I know the odds and I have tasted failure before. I am full of hope for the results of this cycle. Once again, I believe! I know, I know, it's crazy, but I'm going to ride the wave of optimism and see how high it takes me. If I have to crash and burn at the end, so be it. I'm going to enjoy it for now!

I had my embryo transfer on Sunday. They put 2 inside and I have seven on ice. Here's hoping I'll never have to stim again!

Lucky 13!

So after a few days of "coasting" which felt like an eternity, I finally triggered on Sunday night and had my egg retrieval yesterday. They got 17 eggs out, 15 of them were mature and according to today's fertilization report 13 have fertilized!! OMG, I cannot believe this! It's been so different from last cycle, it's like I'm a different person (my RE's words, not mine).

I still have a lot of discomfort from yesterday's retrieval. Last time I barely felt anything. My ovaries are still tender and I am extremely bloated and am continuing my diet of protein and gatorade. But I am also so very happy about how this cycle has turned out so far. I don't want to jinx myself but I have definitely gained my optimism back.

I've been tagged

The lovely pepper has tagged me for a meme! How lovely! So here it goes:

Four things I did ten years ago (1998 )
1. Met the love of my life (even though I didn't know it at the time)
2. Had my first (and only) root canal
3. Bought my first new car
4. Got bright red highlights in my pitch black hair

Four things I did five years ago (2003)
1. Bought my first house
2. Got my first Great Dane puppy
3. Discovered the joy of cooking/baking
4. Got my first Tivo box (TV has never been the same!)

Four things I did yesterday
1. Went to my Dr's appointment for IVF monitoring (blood & ultrasound)
2. Drank a gallon of gatorade
3. Interviewed an over-enthusiastic new college grad for an engineering position
4. Watched Monday's episode of Dancing with the Starts on my Tivo

Four shows I love to watch
1. House
2. Lost
3. 4400
4. Rescue me

Four things I love to do
1. Travel
2. Knit & crochet
3. Watch Sci-fi Movies & TV
4. Eat out

Now the fun part! 2Roads, Lisa, Jess, you're it! You have been tagged!

Seesaw

How does one go from poor/slow responder to a candidate for OHSS?

In my first IVF cycle, I was categorized as a poor/slow responder and they had to constantly up my meds and on a good day I had 5 measurable follicles and after 13 days of stims, I had a max E2 of 1900.

Now this cycle, I am on 7 day of stims with an E2 of 4200 and 10 medium sized follicles ranging from 12 to 18 mm. My nurse called me today and said that they are "coasting" me. Basically, keeping me on a holding pattern hoping that my E2 rise will stop and they can do the ER. She also gave me instructions to drink gatorade and eat protein to prevent OHSS.

I'm thinking: What the hell? What is going on with my body? Can't it make up it's mind?

Last cycle they wanted to cancel me due to poor response and this cycle due to OHSS.

Oh yeah, and the only clothes that still fit me are the great maternity/fertility pants!

Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

Yesterday morning I had planned to go to brunch with my sister and my mother after my monitoring appointment and spend the whole day shopping with them afterwards. Well, I overslept in the morning and I had to get ready in a hurry. I just pulled on my Jeans and a tunic and I was out the door and on my way to the clinic. During the 45 minute drive to the clinic, I noticed that my Jeans were fitting too tight around the belly and were making me uncomfortable. I figured the Jeans had just gotten out of the drier and were a little stiff and will soften up in a little bit. However, since I was wearing a tunic I unbuttoned my Jeans without any exposure while driving.

Anyway, I got to the clinic, buttoned up my pants and went inside. During the ultrasound the nurse was not able to find my right ovary. I said "I'm pretty sure it's there" I saw it on the ultrasound a couple of days ago. However, the nurse was having no luck. So the Dr. stepped up and pressed down on my belly/ovary and finally there it was! Like I knew it would be. Everything looked good and I am currently growing 6 eggs. However, afterwards, my ovaries/belly felt tender and bloated.

I went out to breakfast with my sister and my Mom. At breakfast again, I had to unbutton my pants to be able to eat. I was very surprised. I didn't get this uncomfortable last cycle until after about a week of stims. I had only had 3 days of stims! Then we went shopping, half an hour into it I couldn't tolerate my pants anymore and told my Mom: "That's it. I am going into the first maternity store and buying myself a pair of maternity pants". And I did. Oh and they are so comfortable, they were heavenly after the pain and pressure of my Jeans.

Later that afternoon, the nurse called back with my E2 results: 673. That is comparable to my E2 level at day 8 of stims my last cycle. Something is working differently this time.

In short, this is not exactly the circumstances under which I imagined buying maternity clothes! But, I already love those pants! I've been feeling a bit of optimism about this cycle ever since I put on those pants. Maybe it's a sign.

Start of injections

Last night, I started the injections for this cycle. I can't say that I feel one way or another about it. I am still very apathetic about this cycle. I feel that my husband maybe even a little annoyed about it. When I asked him to give me the shots last night. He is like "Oh, it's starting up again!". I know how he feels.

Today is a new day

I went home from work last night. Took a long shower and poured myself a glass of wine. I was starting to make dinner when DH arrived. He was surprised to see me with a glass of wine. DH doesn't drink and I only drink when we have company or when we go out. I told him about my day with JellyBelly and he said: "that explains the wine". He was very sweet and supportive. He said JellyBelly is most likely a bully and I should stand up to him or he will continue his verbal assault on me. I said I'll think about it.

I feel much better and very calm today. The gorgeous weather outside and the sunshine through my office window have helped my mood. I also got a reassuring voicemail from my boss telling me to ignore JellyBelly and that he'll deal with him when he gets back into the office next week.

Now, I can go back to obsessing about this IVF cycle. I have my suppression check Monday morning and stims are likely to start next week. I just can't get excited about this cycle. Last cycle, I was very hopeful. I knew that it may not work (and it didn't), but I believed I had a pretty good chance. Dr. A put my odds at 60% and I believed him! This time not so much! I know it's probably normal to feel this way after a failed cycle, but I have this superstitious feeling that it won't work unless I believe in it and I can't get myself to believe in it. Is that silly?

Not Hormonal!

I got so angry today, I referred to one of our projects' customers as a "Two-faced Self-promoting Ass" to one of his colleagues. Granted, his colleague agreed with my assessment, but this is so out of character for me! I am usually much more composed at work and am able to control my feelings and act in a "professional manner". But today, I just couldn't take it any more. This guy, let's call him "JellyBelly", has over the past couple of weeks, constantly made snide remarks and thrown little insults and innuendos in my direction. I have been ignoring his behavior, because my own management has been behind me and has paid little attention to him. But, today after reading his latest snide comment in an e-mail, I just lost it. I marched over to his colleague's office and mouthed off. Just because he is the damn customer doesn't mean he can go on treating me like this. At times like this I always have to wonder in the back of my mind that in this male-dominated profession, would I have been treated this way if I were a man? Or would a man had taken so much shit before giving as good as he gets?

I'm thinking this is one of the reasons I haven't shared my IF vows with my colleagues and bosses at work. The last thing I want is to be labeled as hormonal and irrational when I have every right to get angry and react!

I haven't even started stimming yet. I don't know how I'm going to continue to deal with JellyBelly next week when I start the injections. My instincts tell me to tell him off completely and publicly.

Side Effects

Years ago, when I was taking BCPs to prevent pregnancy, I had absolutely no side effects from them. No weight gain, no moodiness, nothing. But now, I have a headache that just won't go away, nausea, weight gain, bloating, the works!

That's what got me thinking of the side effect of the IF business all together. Here is my list so far (in no particular order):

Fatigue, frustration, lack of empathy for other people's problems, obsession over the inner-workings of my body, hypersensitivity, irritability, superstition, minimal sex drive, blotchy skin, loss of self-confidence, ...

Care to add to the list?

No pain no gain

I am so out of shape. I can't believe how long I had to work out to get in shape and then how quickly I have fallen out of shape. I didn't work out throughout my last IVF cycle. My nurse advised against aerobic activity and suggested that I do some walking instead. That didn't quite work out for me. The only walking I do is outdoors and with my dogs, since the weather was not cooperating I didn't walk a whole lot. In addition, walking didn't help me relieve stress and no Endorphins either.

This time I told Dr. A that the inactivity really bothered me and I couldn't deal with on the job stress (and IVF stress) without it. So he gave me the go ahead to do as I please, within limits. With my new found freedom, I took a kickboxing class at the local gym last evening. Oh, am I hurting today! But it's good pain, you know, the kind that reminds you, you've done something good for your body. Here's hoping I can keep up my exercise routine and manage my sanity, workload and IF treatments all at the same time!

IVF # 2 - Here I come

I had my consult with Dr. A (my RE) today. Somehow, it wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped. He really didn't have a reason for switching me to the Antagon Protocol. Basically, he wanted to "tweak" the protocol a bit to see if he gets better results.

The Antagon protocol doesn't use Lupron at all. Instead, I will be using Ganirelix after about 6 days of stimming up until the day of the trigger. Dr. A. said since we are not using Lupron for ovarian function suppression (only BCPs), there is a chance that I might develop a lead follicle and they may have to cancel the cycle. So I'm thinking great! One more thing for me to worry about!

Ok, the upside of the protocol, fewer injections! At least that's something.

It just makes me mad!

Last Friday, Dr. A (my RE) called me at work to say how sorry he was that this cycle didn't work and that I shouldn't lose hope and by the way, he'll be changing my protocol to an Antagon protocol. I was so impressed! How sweet of him to call me personally! He could have waited until my appointment on Tuesday to say all that stuff!

Well, today my nurse calls me to let me know that since I had a chat with Dr. A I don't need to come in for a consult and they'll be canceling my appointment. I, surprised at the turn of events, and having run out of a contentious meeting at work to answer the ever important call from the clinic, was dumbfounded and didn't say much. Once, I went back into the meeting, however, I couldn't concentrate on what was going on and I started to get angrier and angrier... . What do they mean I don't NEED to come in for appointment. Of course, I NEED to come in. I barely had a 30 second conversation with Dr. A in the middle of a stressful work day. I didn't get to review my last cycle. I didn't get to ask any questions about the new protocol or the reasons for switching to it. I got angry with myself for not standing up for myself with the nurse and telling her my needs in no uncertain terms. I got angry for thinking it was nice of Dr. A to take time out of his busy schedule and call me!

So I tried calling back my nurse and letting her know that I want and need to come in for a consult. Of course, the phone rings and rings and no voicemail. So I ended up sending her an e-mail. Now I'm waiting to hear back from her.

April Fool's

So it turns out the joke is on me. My beta test today was negative as I expected. My attempts at moving up the beta test were unsuccessful (Thanks for suggesting it ladies).

I've had a rough couple of days. I go from feeling angry to disappointed to sad and back to angry again. I appreciate all of your comments and your good wishes (Pepper you're awesome).

It's a doggy-dog world

A few days ago, I started losing hope on this cycle. Up until Tuesday of this week I was optimistic, but somewhere mid-week it started to go downhill. It all started with my dog. I have two dogs a Great Dane and a Foxhound. I believe my Great Dane can smell pregnancy. I know, I didn't believe it either the first time it happened. Last year, when I was pregnant (about 5 days before I took an HPT), my dog kept circling me and sniffing at my belly button. I thought that was strange behavior and didn't put much stock into it. However, his behavior continued throughout my pregnancy and stopped after my miscarriage. My husband thought that I am exaggerating, and said maybe you're using a new lotion and he likes the scent. Last summer I had a chemical pregnancy, and my dog exhibited the same behavior. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Anyway, my dog has not been paying any special attention to me. My husband pointed out that we have since gotten our dog neutered and maybe he has lost his ability to detect pregnancy. I reluctantly accepted his explanation. Last night, I started having period-like cramps. So I caved in and took an HPT this morning. The results: BFN! I am 11dp3dt, so the results should be accurate.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I haven't told my husband yet. Talking about it will only make it more real. Why do they do the Beta Test so late? This is not right. Why do I have to continue this sham and take the PIO shots and the estrogen pills and pretend that there is still hope when I know there is none? Or is there?

Blogging is hard!

I had been reading other people's blogs long before I started mine. I was living vicariously (and anonymously) through so many different people, sharing in their hopes and dreams, triumphs and defeats. I didn't even leave comments on any of these blogs, letting them know that I'm lurking maybe even stalking them. I enjoyed being hidden in the shadows not having to announce myself.

That all changed when I came across the IF blogs. I wanted to reach out and let people know I'm there. I even started one of my own to keep from imploding from all that has remained unsaid. However, I have found that blogging is much harder than I thought. I read other people's blogs and I feel inspired, sad, devastated, hopeful, ... , I feel. When it comes to putting down my own feelings, emotions, thoughts I am less than capable. But still I go on with my rambling and subject the community to my words!

Time-Space Continuum

So I'm half way through the dreaded 2WW. But, it feels like time is stretching exponentially, i.e. the longer I wait the slower time goes by.

My Beta test is scheduled for April 1st. At my ET, when the nurse told me that, I said something like "how appropriate!" The nurse, totally missing the point, looked at me a little confused and said: "Yes, we always schedule the blood test 18 days after the retrieval".

Happy New Year!

Today is the first day of spring which coincides with the Persian New Year (Norooz). In the Persian culture spring signifies renewal and rebirth. As all the nature wakes up from a deep winter sleep, so do our hopes and dreams.

Here's wishing that all of your dreams come true this year!

Now what?

I had the egg retrieval done on Friday and the embryo transfer on Monday. When all was said and done we ended up with two good embryos which were put back in. Now the dreaded 2 Week Wait!

I must say I am pretty happy with the process so far. Eventhough, I didn't produce as many eggs as my RE would have liked, they were enough to make two embryos. The ER and ET processes themselves were not too physically taxing. I think the hardest part of the process for me will be the 2WW.

Today is my first day back at work and I have a lot of catching up to do. I haven't told the people at work anything about my IF battles. I just told them I was having a medical procedure and needed a few days off. Since I work with mostly men, no one inquired further as to what that procedure maybe.

Trigger Happy

I'm triggering tonight! Yeah!! Also one more follicle popped up on the u/s today so I'm up to 5! More Yeah!!

Actually, I am terrified! Don't get me wrong I'm happy to move on to the next phase, but I was just getting comfortable with my sub-Q shots and now onto the IM shots. In addition, there is the fertilization process to worry about. Will enough eggs fertilize? Will any fertilize? Will I make it to ET?

Dr. M today was cheery and hopeful. She's my favorite RE at the clinic. She always strikes just the right tone. Not too touchy-feely and not too clinical. In addition, she always looks gorgeous and super confident. How does she manage that?

Thank you ladies for leaving me comments. I really appreciate them. Well, onto another workday (if I can manage to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes).

Quality vs. Quantity

So I'm down to four follicles. Triggering any day now.

The Numbers Game

So today was the first time that I actually saw my RE since I've started my IVF cycle. I saw another Dr. on my suppression check, other than that it has been nurses all along.
I was happy to see him, I thought he was going to give me more insight as to how I was progressing. So, I'm there in the stirrups and the sono tech is pushing the wand inside me and snooping around in there, the Dr. comes up to the side and asks me how I'm doing with the injects, while gently patting my hand. "Ok I guess", I say a little confused. So I muster up some courage and asked "So how is my cycle doing?" He said: "Well if your E2 levels don't come up by Sunday we should really sit down next week and find out what didn't work in this cycle". So at this point my heart stopped. I'm thinking, what didn't work in this cycle? Is he giving up on me already? I'm only at day 8 of stims! I have 7 follies! .... So I asked: "Are you concerned about the number of eggs?" To which he responded: "No 7 is an OK number, I'm concerned about your E2 levels". At this point, my brain stopped functioning and the exam was over. I can't even remember the sizes of the follies that the tech was spitting out at me.

I somehow got myself out of the Dr's office and into work without bursting into tears. DH called to check on me at work. I almost cried while talking to him.

I have no idea, how I got through the rest of my day. Finally around 2:30 p.m. my nurse called and gave me the new E2 number for today. 525! Wow! Just on Wednesday it was only 100! It has multiplied by 5 in two days. Amazing! She said now they want to dial back the stims and go to a lower dosage! Thats good news, right?

The waiting game

I had another u/s and blood test today. The nurse told me there are 7 follies. Only 7? I thought. Is that going to be enough? I didn't ask the nurse. Every time I get into the stirrups I lose 50 IQ points. I can't formulate coherent sentences so I remain quiet as to not embarrass myself any further.

They'll call me back this afternoon with my E2 results. I hate waiting! I've never been a patient person. All attempts at occupying myself with work have failed miserably. I can't concentrate on work.

Paying the price

I just spent over $2000 on my medication refills! Part of me wants to be nonchalant about it, like it's no big deal and it will all be worth it, but part of me wants to scream! It's not fair how other couples seem to get pregnant for free and we have to spend so much for the chance at getting pregnant. I wish I could say it's only money, but we all know that it's not. It's the pain and the stress and the utter feeling of failure that goes along with it. Like I shouldn't have had to go through this only if I had started younger. Maybe I waited too long and it serves me right, doesn't it?

For now, I try not to think about how much debt I'm in. I'll push it to the back of my mind, right behind worrying about my E2 levels.

Living the high life.

I went for in for baseline U/S blood test on Friday. The nurse called me back with my results : E2=28.4. Ok, so I am sufficiently suppressed, on with the stim cycle.
Here's my dosage:
Follistim 150
Menopur 75
Lupron 5

When I got my first set of Follistim/Menopur injects, I had a strange side effect. I felt tipsy, maybe a little bit high. Is this normal? I don't thinks so.

My subsequent set of injects weren't as blissful. That Menopur really stings!!

I went in for my U/S and blood test again today. The nurse says the my E2 number is low only 59.4 so they're doubling my Follistim and Menopur dosage and I have to go back in on Wednesday. Maybe the increased dosage will get me high again! At least that's something to look forward to!

When does motherhood begin?

I have been pondering this question ever since my miscarriage last year. Yes, I was lucky enough to conceive naturally in Jan 2007, just to have a miscarriage at 9 weeks.

So I ask: what is motherhood? Do you have to have carry to term before you can consider yourself a mother? I don't know. I didn't consider myself a mother when I was actually pregnant. I was in a constant state of shock and nausea. But when the sonogram technician told me she can't find the heartbeat anymore (after I had seen it in a sonogram just the previous week), I experienced a loss the depth of which only a mother can feel. Is that when I became a mother? At the moment of losing my unborn child?

Back Story

When I got married 8 years ago, I didn't really want children. I was of the opinion that I shouldn't subject another human being to living in this cruel world. I thought having a child was the most selfish thing a person can do (I still believe that!). The only reason anyone would have for having a child was to perpetuate their own genes and achieve immortality in some form or shape. How selfish I thought!
How naive was that point of view! I thought people decided to have children, like it was a conscious choice. How little did I know! As the years went by and my biological clock kicked in, I felt this overwhelming primal need to reproduce. It came from some place deep within me. It wasn't something I wanted to do. It was simply what I had to do. It was like the need for air and food and other necessities in life. So began my quest for a child. Intellectually, I still believe bringing a child into this world is selfish, but I am not strong enough to resist my genetic programming.

So here we go

Ok. So I've started my "infertility treatment". Although I don't quite see myself or my husband as infertile. We have what is called "unexplained infertility" which means they don't know what the hell is wrong with us, if anything.
Last December we reluctantly went to see an RE. We did all the recommended testing to finally arrive at "unexplained infertility" for a diagnosis. I decided to skip all the intermediate treatments and go directly to IVF. I just looked at the success rates for all the other ARTs and they were not significant. Being an engineer I like hard facts and numbers so we're doing IVF. You have to realize I did not come by this decision easily. I am deathly afraid of needles and IVF requires lots and lots of shots!
So here I am, today's my second day on Lupron injections. I have to admit it really doesn't hurt, but it's more psychological for me. It's just the concept of a needle going into me scares the hell out of me. My husband wasn't sure I'd be able to bear it. He was afraid to give me the shots, but I'm tolerating them.
I am having side effects from Lupron already. Mostly night sweats, bloating and some cramping. Nothing too terrible yet.