Monday, October 13, 2008

9 Weeks

My first pregnancy was lost at 9 weeks, and no matter how hard I try to put that out of my mind and think positive thoughts, I'm not able to. My next appointment is next Monday (at 10 weeks). At times I find myself trying to come up with an excuse to call the OB office and get an earlier appointment. Then I tell myself that it probably is a good idea to give myself a break from ultrasounds since I still have a subchorionic bleed and and shoving the ultrasound wand inside there every week can't be good for that.

Over the weekend, I was practically paralyzed with fear, scrutinizing every pregnancy symptom or lack thereof. I know, it doesn't make any sense. Specially since I have always had all of my pregnancy symptoms leading all the way up to a pregnancy loss, i.e. pregnancy symptoms do not equal live baby. But what else do I have to cling to?

I think lack of physical activity has contributed to my state of mind. I'm still not allowed any form of physical activity, forget about aerobics, I can't even take walks or do yoga. As Dr. Niceguy put it, "Do as little as possible to get through the day". All this stillness is driving me crazy, making me look inwards and obsessively analyze every sensation, every feeling, every thought.

Oh, if I could just get through this week (she says repeatedly...)


Shinejil said...

I think it's worth it just to go get a u/s, for your own sanity's sake. It's what I'd want to do in your shoes. You need reassurance and you deserve it.

It just sucks that this anniversary coincides with bedrest, the worst possible state in which to avoid a major mindfuck.

Sending lots of love and comfort your way.

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you. Thinking of you and sending you hugs and prayers.

Paranoid said...

I felt the same way throughout my first trimester. It sucks, and I'm sorry you're going through it now.

If you think an ultrasound will give you peace of mind, I say call and ask for one. This is one of those cases where I don't see any need for you to worry more than is absolutely necessary.

Lisa said...

Here's hoping you can get in for an earlier u/s or somehow make the time go a little faster until your 10-week appointment. So sorry you're stuck on bedrest right now, but I do hope it's helping get rid of that SCH!

Lisa from IG

Evil Stepmonster said...

Unfortunately I don't think there is any way of avoiding how you're feeling right now. Thinking of you and hoping the week passes quickly.

LISA said...

Hang in there. I'm sure one week feels like an eternity... My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Michelle said...

hang in there, you're doing a great job!

Peeveme said...

My heart just aches for you. Those first few weeks are excruciating. The worry,'s all so hard. Weirdly, I hope to be that miserable in a few months. I know 9 weeks is a bit early for a doppler to work but I found it tremendously reassuring. I think I heard the heartbeat around 10-11 weeks. I would listen every night before bed and it helped me get through the night.

Don't you wish you could take a little peek into next week? OR a month from now...or 9 months from now. Just a 30 second glimpse.

I'm so sorry you are wrapped up in doom and gloom and can't see your way out of it. Given what you have been through I think it's a pretty normal response. I wish you peace. Breath.

Pepper said...

Stalking you again (seems to be my m.o.), wondering how you're doing, and wishing you all the best.