Thursday, February 28, 2008

When does motherhood begin?

I have been pondering this question ever since my miscarriage last year. Yes, I was lucky enough to conceive naturally in Jan 2007, just to have a miscarriage at 9 weeks.

So I ask: what is motherhood? Do you have to have carry to term before you can consider yourself a mother? I don't know. I didn't consider myself a mother when I was actually pregnant. I was in a constant state of shock and nausea. But when the sonogram technician told me she can't find the heartbeat anymore (after I had seen it in a sonogram just the previous week), I experienced a loss the depth of which only a mother can feel. Is that when I became a mother? At the moment of losing my unborn child?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Back Story

When I got married 8 years ago, I didn't really want children. I was of the opinion that I shouldn't subject another human being to living in this cruel world. I thought having a child was the most selfish thing a person can do (I still believe that!). The only reason anyone would have for having a child was to perpetuate their own genes and achieve immortality in some form or shape. How selfish I thought!
How naive was that point of view! I thought people decided to have children, like it was a conscious choice. How little did I know! As the years went by and my biological clock kicked in, I felt this overwhelming primal need to reproduce. It came from some place deep within me. It wasn't something I wanted to do. It was simply what I had to do. It was like the need for air and food and other necessities in life. So began my quest for a child. Intellectually, I still believe bringing a child into this world is selfish, but I am not strong enough to resist my genetic programming.

Monday, February 25, 2008

So here we go

Ok. So I've started my "infertility treatment". Although I don't quite see myself or my husband as infertile. We have what is called "unexplained infertility" which means they don't know what the hell is wrong with us, if anything.
Last December we reluctantly went to see an RE. We did all the recommended testing to finally arrive at "unexplained infertility" for a diagnosis. I decided to skip all the intermediate treatments and go directly to IVF. I just looked at the success rates for all the other ARTs and they were not significant. Being an engineer I like hard facts and numbers so we're doing IVF. You have to realize I did not come by this decision easily. I am deathly afraid of needles and IVF requires lots and lots of shots!
So here I am, today's my second day on Lupron injections. I have to admit it really doesn't hurt, but it's more psychological for me. It's just the concept of a needle going into me scares the hell out of me. My husband wasn't sure I'd be able to bear it. He was afraid to give me the shots, but I'm tolerating them.
I am having side effects from Lupron already. Mostly night sweats, bloating and some cramping. Nothing too terrible yet.