Friday, March 28, 2008

It's a doggy-dog world

A few days ago, I started losing hope on this cycle. Up until Tuesday of this week I was optimistic, but somewhere mid-week it started to go downhill. It all started with my dog. I have two dogs a Great Dane and a Foxhound. I believe my Great Dane can smell pregnancy. I know, I didn't believe it either the first time it happened. Last year, when I was pregnant (about 5 days before I took an HPT), my dog kept circling me and sniffing at my belly button. I thought that was strange behavior and didn't put much stock into it. However, his behavior continued throughout my pregnancy and stopped after my miscarriage. My husband thought that I am exaggerating, and said maybe you're using a new lotion and he likes the scent. Last summer I had a chemical pregnancy, and my dog exhibited the same behavior. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Anyway, my dog has not been paying any special attention to me. My husband pointed out that we have since gotten our dog neutered and maybe he has lost his ability to detect pregnancy. I reluctantly accepted his explanation. Last night, I started having period-like cramps. So I caved in and took an HPT this morning. The results: BFN! I am 11dp3dt, so the results should be accurate.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I haven't told my husband yet. Talking about it will only make it more real. Why do they do the Beta Test so late? This is not right. Why do I have to continue this sham and take the PIO shots and the estrogen pills and pretend that there is still hope when I know there is none? Or is there?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Blogging is hard!

I had been reading other people's blogs long before I started mine. I was living vicariously (and anonymously) through so many different people, sharing in their hopes and dreams, triumphs and defeats. I didn't even leave comments on any of these blogs, letting them know that I'm lurking maybe even stalking them. I enjoyed being hidden in the shadows not having to announce myself.

That all changed when I came across the IF blogs. I wanted to reach out and let people know I'm there. I even started one of my own to keep from imploding from all that has remained unsaid. However, I have found that blogging is much harder than I thought. I read other people's blogs and I feel inspired, sad, devastated, hopeful, ... , I feel. When it comes to putting down my own feelings, emotions, thoughts I am less than capable. But still I go on with my rambling and subject the community to my words!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Time-Space Continuum

So I'm half way through the dreaded 2WW. But, it feels like time is stretching exponentially, i.e. the longer I wait the slower time goes by.

My Beta test is scheduled for April 1st. At my ET, when the nurse told me that, I said something like "how appropriate!" The nurse, totally missing the point, looked at me a little confused and said: "Yes, we always schedule the blood test 18 days after the retrieval".

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Happy New Year!

Today is the first day of spring which coincides with the Persian New Year (Norooz). In the Persian culture spring signifies renewal and rebirth. As all the nature wakes up from a deep winter sleep, so do our hopes and dreams.

Here's wishing that all of your dreams come true this year!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Now what?

I had the egg retrieval done on Friday and the embryo transfer on Monday. When all was said and done we ended up with two good embryos which were put back in. Now the dreaded 2 Week Wait!

I must say I am pretty happy with the process so far. Eventhough, I didn't produce as many eggs as my RE would have liked, they were enough to make two embryos. The ER and ET processes themselves were not too physically taxing. I think the hardest part of the process for me will be the 2WW.

Today is my first day back at work and I have a lot of catching up to do. I haven't told the people at work anything about my IF battles. I just told them I was having a medical procedure and needed a few days off. Since I work with mostly men, no one inquired further as to what that procedure maybe.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Trigger Happy

I'm triggering tonight! Yeah!! Also one more follicle popped up on the u/s today so I'm up to 5! More Yeah!!

Actually, I am terrified! Don't get me wrong I'm happy to move on to the next phase, but I was just getting comfortable with my sub-Q shots and now onto the IM shots. In addition, there is the fertilization process to worry about. Will enough eggs fertilize? Will any fertilize? Will I make it to ET?

Dr. M today was cheery and hopeful. She's my favorite RE at the clinic. She always strikes just the right tone. Not too touchy-feely and not too clinical. In addition, she always looks gorgeous and super confident. How does she manage that?

Thank you ladies for leaving me comments. I really appreciate them. Well, onto another workday (if I can manage to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes).

Monday, March 10, 2008

Quality vs. Quantity

So I'm down to four follicles. Triggering any day now.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The Numbers Game

So today was the first time that I actually saw my RE since I've started my IVF cycle. I saw another Dr. on my suppression check, other than that it has been nurses all along.
I was happy to see him, I thought he was going to give me more insight as to how I was progressing. So, I'm there in the stirrups and the sono tech is pushing the wand inside me and snooping around in there, the Dr. comes up to the side and asks me how I'm doing with the injects, while gently patting my hand. "Ok I guess", I say a little confused. So I muster up some courage and asked "So how is my cycle doing?" He said: "Well if your E2 levels don't come up by Sunday we should really sit down next week and find out what didn't work in this cycle". So at this point my heart stopped. I'm thinking, what didn't work in this cycle? Is he giving up on me already? I'm only at day 8 of stims! I have 7 follies! .... So I asked: "Are you concerned about the number of eggs?" To which he responded: "No 7 is an OK number, I'm concerned about your E2 levels". At this point, my brain stopped functioning and the exam was over. I can't even remember the sizes of the follies that the tech was spitting out at me.

I somehow got myself out of the Dr's office and into work without bursting into tears. DH called to check on me at work. I almost cried while talking to him.

I have no idea, how I got through the rest of my day. Finally around 2:30 p.m. my nurse called and gave me the new E2 number for today. 525! Wow! Just on Wednesday it was only 100! It has multiplied by 5 in two days. Amazing! She said now they want to dial back the stims and go to a lower dosage! Thats good news, right?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The waiting game

I had another u/s and blood test today. The nurse told me there are 7 follies. Only 7? I thought. Is that going to be enough? I didn't ask the nurse. Every time I get into the stirrups I lose 50 IQ points. I can't formulate coherent sentences so I remain quiet as to not embarrass myself any further.

They'll call me back this afternoon with my E2 results. I hate waiting! I've never been a patient person. All attempts at occupying myself with work have failed miserably. I can't concentrate on work.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Paying the price

I just spent over $2000 on my medication refills! Part of me wants to be nonchalant about it, like it's no big deal and it will all be worth it, but part of me wants to scream! It's not fair how other couples seem to get pregnant for free and we have to spend so much for the chance at getting pregnant. I wish I could say it's only money, but we all know that it's not. It's the pain and the stress and the utter feeling of failure that goes along with it. Like I shouldn't have had to go through this only if I had started younger. Maybe I waited too long and it serves me right, doesn't it?

For now, I try not to think about how much debt I'm in. I'll push it to the back of my mind, right behind worrying about my E2 levels.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Living the high life.

I went for in for baseline U/S blood test on Friday. The nurse called me back with my results : E2=28.4. Ok, so I am sufficiently suppressed, on with the stim cycle.
Here's my dosage:
Follistim 150
Menopur 75
Lupron 5

When I got my first set of Follistim/Menopur injects, I had a strange side effect. I felt tipsy, maybe a little bit high. Is this normal? I don't thinks so.

My subsequent set of injects weren't as blissful. That Menopur really stings!!

I went in for my U/S and blood test again today. The nurse says the my E2 number is low only 59.4 so they're doubling my Follistim and Menopur dosage and I have to go back in on Wednesday. Maybe the increased dosage will get me high again! At least that's something to look forward to!