Wednesday, September 10, 2008

So I Caved

So I broke down and took the HPT this morning. It was Positive! I wish I could say that I'm ecstatic and jumping with joy, but I'm not. Don't get me wrong it's exactly what I had hoped for, but I'm just not a virgin any more. I've been here before. I know what a long path there is between a positive HPT and an actual live baby. This whole IF process has made me so jaded that I am not able to celebrate victories along the way. I hate it!! I wish I could enjoy it and be in the moment, but I can't. Isn't that terrible?

I have an actual live being(s) inside of me (for the moment anyway), but I'm doing my damnest not to dream, not to think, and not to become attached. What kind of joyless life is this anyway? My husband is even more guraded. When I told him the results of the test, he said "Well, congratulations, for now anyway."

How do you ladies get the joy back in your life after repeated failures and heartbreaks? Are you able to see yourself on the other side? With or without a baby?


beautycourage said...

Hi there... just wanted to give you, in a not-too-excited way, a congratulations for making it to the next step. I can see from your story that you are not new to BFP's, and I really hope this time is different for you.
I don't really have an answer to your question other than the tincture of time.... and a bit of trying to pay attention to the beauty of even the most difficult.

Lisa said...

Joonie, that BFP is real, so try to go with it! I know it's hard not to worry. Impossible, really. Just take one step at a time and soon you'll get there. Sending happy, healthy, sticky vibes!

Lisa at IG

Pepper said...

Yay, Joonie! I am so very optimistic. I'm sure it must be hard, but hang in there!

**Fingers, toes, and eyeballs crossed**


Jess said...

Joonie, I'm so thrilled for you. Congrats on this hurdle!! I know it feels like there are many, many more hurdles and that you can't enjoy this victory....but please do enjoy it as best you can. I relate to the fear that it won't work out...I have only recently (around 20 weeks maybe) begun to feel somewhat more confident that this will work out...and even then I only feel that way sometimes. What will be, will be. Whether we stress about it or not. And I hope hope hope that for you, THIS IS IT!!!!

Evil Stepmonster said...

It's impossible not to get just a little bit hopeful about a positive hpt. But a great beta must be cause for excitement. Surely the odds and the gods are on your side this time. Thinking of you for Friday's results.

2roads said...

Joonie-I know all about being guarded. After going through the IF hell, it is totally normal. Be optimistically guarded though, and do celebrate getting past this first hurdle. The BFP does allow for hope. Hope is the thing that keeps us going, and without this first BFP the rest can not happen. This is great news. Reason to smile, reason to believe and look forward, with a guarded heart, nonetheless.
It is now a waiting game, the hardest one yet. Try to allow the happiness to seep through. We'll be right here riding the waves with you.
First step is behind you!

Pepper said...

You know me ... Blog stalking again.

Love ya.

kb said...

I've asked myself (and others) that same question a million times. How can I be happy with or without a baby? It's so crazy the amount of emotion we (have to) pour into FE. I try to be thankful for the little things: the sun outside, the bright pink flowers on my patio, my crazy dogs. This step is another thing to be grateful for and find joy in. Like others have said - one day at a time, right?!