Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Blame it on the hormones

I forgot my cousin/BFF's birthday again! This is the second year in a row that I haven't called her on her birthday. Her birthday was on Sunday and that was the day of the retrieval and I just forgot to call her. But that's not all. Once I remembered her birthday yesterday, I still didn't call her. This time I made a conscious choice not to call her. I figured there is a reason why I have been forgetting her birthday two years in a row (that's not like me). After some soul searching I came to the conclusion that I still have some hurt feelings and harbor some resentment towards here. So here's the backstory:

My cousin and I are the same age. We're actually only a week apart (I'm younger). We had a close relationship growing up. We had a lot in common. Eventhough we haven't lived in the same town since we turned 18 and went away to different colleges, we tried to keep in close touch. We both ended up becoming engineers. We both got married in the same year, and so on. We now live on opposite coasts.

When it came to having children our paths differed. She has a son that will turn 4 in June and I'm still here. Now when she got pregnant I was very excited for her! I even flew over to the opposite coast (where she lives now) to visit with her for a week when she was in her second trimester and her husband had to go on a business trip out of the country. Even as I struggled with TTC, her motherhood never bothered me.

However, things started to change after I had my miscarriage last year. She called me once 3 weeks after she had heard the news from my sister. I just expected more from her. When she had a false positive triple screen test and had to wait for her amnio test results, I called her every day and checked on her. But when I had a miscarriage, and I was specially needy, she called me only once 3 weeks later. Her excuse was that she had been busy and really just didn't know what to say to me.

So I realized that eversince my miscarriage last year, I just don't feel the same towards her. It's not like I've actively held a grudge or anything. We have kept in touch and talked on the phone all the while not feeling an ounce of intimacy in our conversations/relationship. For that same reason, I have not shared any of my IF struggles with her.

So now the question is where do we go from here? Will things ever be the same? Should I call her and pour my heart out to her in an attempt to salvage our friendship?


2roads said...

That's a hard one. I'd say you should try. Great frienships are hard to come by and if there's a chance you culd salvage it and still want her in your life, I'd say reach out. The only caveat is that we all know how people on the fertile side of the world have a hard time really understanding what kind of quiet hell we go through. Just be prepared that she may not be able to completely grasp where you are at, but at least give her a chance to. Good luck, and I hope she surprises you. : ) said...

It sounds to me that you do want to salvage the friendship. My advice is just don't get your hopes up. I don't things can go back to being the same unless you can really let go of the hurt feelings and resentment, and you can both be honest.

She is busy with her own life and family now, she may not be able to give you what you need. You should probably talk to her about what has happened to the relationship before you really spill about you IF struggles.

I have lost a friend through IVF. We had been friends since we were 15 (21 years). Stayed in touch through the years, always involved in eachothers lives. She had her own IF struggles which I supported her in. I told her that I was also going to try to have a baby and that my specialist recommended IUI (she told me later she was so upset she went to see a counsellor).

I told her about the IVF at New Years and haven't seen or heard from her since. It did hurt, but now it just pisses me off. It made me realise that maybe I had overvalued the friendship, I think she had down-graded me years ago.

I hope you can work it out.

Pepper said...

I agree with what everyone else has said. True friendships are so hard to make and long term friendships are even more precious.

May I suggest that instead of calling - for now - you send her a belated birthday card? I just don't think you need to be upset while you're in the two week wait. Even if the conversation turns out well, all the anticipation is not good. You and those embryos come first.

I also think your friendship won't be the same. If she's receptive to what you tell her, it could get even better. If not, then that will be hard to take. You may have to change your expectations, which is so difficult to do, but will make things easier on you in the long run.

I hope everything works out, missy. I know how hard this stuff is and it isn't fun at all.

2roads said...

Yes, Pepper! I didn't even think of that, her being in the 2 WW. That's great advice. You do come first right now, and no need to upset any apple carts right now.

jp said...

Hi there,
Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your input regarding the difference in cycles-
I agree with Pepper as well...
Personally, I wouldn't "put myself out there" during a 2WW.
A card sounds like a great idea.