As it turns out, I am not the low Beta Heroine. I went in for my ultrasound on Friday. Nurse Lovely and Dr. Hotstuff were all smiles. Dr. Hotstuff asked me if I had any symptoms, problems. I said that I've been spotting almost every day and have mild cramping. She said that is normal and nothing to worry about. So they started looking inside of me and searched and searched but there was nothing! The doctor asked where I had my cramps. I said mostly on the left side. So Nurse Lovely moved the wand to the the left and there it was! My embryo! I could see it's heartbeat! The nurse and the doctor looked at each other and Dr. Hotstuff told me: Joonie I'm very sorry. I was confused! What's there to be sorry about? There's my embryo and it has a heartbeat. Dr. Hotstuff said, unfortunately the embryo has implanted in your left fallopian tube. As she said that I felt tears coming down my face, my husband stood up and held my hand. The room was spinning all around me. The doctor said, since the embryo has a heartbeat we cannot treat you medically we have to remove your tube surgically. Since you're already doing IVF, losing a tube ....
At this point I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. I thought I'm losing my baby and my left tube! It's true I'm doing IVF, but I still like to harbor the fantasy that I'd still be able to conceive on my own some day. Since I was doing so magnificently with both tubes, the malevolent IF dieties decided to take away one, just to see how I'd do.
Dr. Hotstuff continued, Joonie we need to schedule the surgery for today. It's really not safe to wait, we do no want to risk the tube rupturing and causing you internal injuries. I'm not sure how my husband managed to get me out of the clinic and home. At home we waited to hear from the surgeon and the operating room availability. Before I knew it we were at the hospital and I was being prepped for surgery. It all went so fast, I barely had time to process any of my feelings. By Friday night, I was home minus my embryo and my left tube, all hopped up on Percocet.
Today, two days later I'm still high on Percocet and unable to process what's happened to me.
My own RE has called me everyday to check on me. He keeps saying how sorry he is and how the chance of the embryo implantation in the tube while doing IVF treatment is less than one percent! Less than one percent! Lucky me!!
I am a statistician and an engineer. I am very much familiar with numbers and probabilities. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought well the probability of a miscarriage is about 20% so I just got unlucky. It happens. The same thought went through my head with my subsequent chemical pregnancy. When my first round of IVF failed. I thought well, I knew the chances were 50-50. It was a coin-toss. I lost at the game of chance again. But this time, the chance of this happening was less that one percent! One percent! This doesn't feel like bad luck any more. It feels deliberate. Like someone or something is doing this to me on purpose!