Sunday, June 15, 2008

I am not the one

As it turns out, I am not the low Beta Heroine. I went in for my ultrasound on Friday. Nurse Lovely and Dr. Hotstuff were all smiles. Dr. Hotstuff asked me if I had any symptoms, problems. I said that I've been spotting almost every day and have mild cramping. She said that is normal and nothing to worry about. So they started looking inside of me and searched and searched but there was nothing! The doctor asked where I had my cramps. I said mostly on the left side. So Nurse Lovely moved the wand to the the left and there it was! My embryo! I could see it's heartbeat! The nurse and the doctor looked at each other and Dr. Hotstuff told me: Joonie I'm very sorry. I was confused! What's there to be sorry about? There's my embryo and it has a heartbeat. Dr. Hotstuff said, unfortunately the embryo has implanted in your left fallopian tube. As she said that I felt tears coming down my face, my husband stood up and held my hand. The room was spinning all around me. The doctor said, since the embryo has a heartbeat we cannot treat you medically we have to remove your tube surgically. Since you're already doing IVF, losing a tube ....

At this point I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. I thought I'm losing my baby and my left tube! It's true I'm doing IVF, but I still like to harbor the fantasy that I'd still be able to conceive on my own some day. Since I was doing so magnificently with both tubes, the malevolent IF dieties decided to take away one, just to see how I'd do.

Dr. Hotstuff continued, Joonie we need to schedule the surgery for today. It's really not safe to wait, we do no want to risk the tube rupturing and causing you internal injuries. I'm not sure how my husband managed to get me out of the clinic and home. At home we waited to hear from the surgeon and the operating room availability. Before I knew it we were at the hospital and I was being prepped for surgery. It all went so fast, I barely had time to process any of my feelings. By Friday night, I was home minus my embryo and my left tube, all hopped up on Percocet.

Today, two days later I'm still high on Percocet and unable to process what's happened to me.

My own RE has called me everyday to check on me. He keeps saying how sorry he is and how the chance of the embryo implantation in the tube while doing IVF treatment is less than one percent! Less than one percent! Lucky me!!

I am a statistician and an engineer. I am very much familiar with numbers and probabilities. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought well the probability of a miscarriage is about 20% so I just got unlucky. It happens. The same thought went through my head with my subsequent chemical pregnancy. When my first round of IVF failed. I thought well, I knew the chances were 50-50. It was a coin-toss. I lost at the game of chance again. But this time, the chance of this happening was less that one percent! One percent! This doesn't feel like bad luck any more. It feels deliberate. Like someone or something is doing this to me on purpose!

39 comments:

Shel said...

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, but my thoughts are with you.

Paranoid said...

I am so, so sorry. I have literally been in exactly your spot (last June), and I know what a nightmare it is. Please take care of yourself and know that I'll be thinking of you.

mybabyquest.wordpress.com said...

Oh Joonie, this is terrible news. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

I will be thinking of you.

Pepper said...

Oh, Sweetie. I'm so very sorry you have to go through something so devastating. I can only imagine how hard this is and my heart is breaking for your loss.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

I'm here from Pepper's blog.

It's just not fair and my heart's breaking out for you. I'm gonna tag your blog and check on you everyday, just to see how you're going.

Hugs and will be thinking of you.

seriously? said...

Here from Pepper's blog. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I will be thinking of you.

Jess said...

Joonie, I'm so, so sorry. Please know we are all here for you and are all thinking of you. So sorry.

2roads said...

NO!! No! Joonie, I don't even have the words...I'm so sorry. Ectopic wasn't even on my radar. How awful to go in, see everything you hope and expect to, and suddenly have it all taken away. I'm so sorry, Joonie... I can't stop crying for you. Damn it. I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do, please. This is all so unfair.

calliope said...

Here from Pepper's blog with so so much sympathy. I can't even imagine how your head must be spinning right now. Sending lots of internet hugs your way.

Meg said...

I'm so very sorry. Try to take it easy and be kind to yourself. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

bleu said...

I am so very sorry, that is just so unfair and I am so very sorry for your pain.

Amber said...

I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine how much your head must have been spinning with everything going so fast. I am hoping you a quick physical recovery. I know the emotional recovery will take longer but it will happen over time.

Right now, just grieve. That is your only job right now. You don't have to cheer up- look ahead- start making any new plans or calculating past of future odds of outcomes of TTC (Unless, of course, that brings you some level of comfort..we statisticians have weird ways to comfort ourselves).

Cry, write, pray, kick, scream, sleep, talk, get hugs, eat, drink....grieve. The path to healed is through active grieving.

Again, I am so very sorry for you losses.

Lost in Space said...

I'm stopping by from Pepper's blog.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could make it all stop. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Huge ((hugs)).

chicklet said...

Gawd Joonie, I'm just so sorry you had to go through all this. This is just awful.

BrownEyedGirl said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Our stories are quite similar. Miscarriage, chemical pregnancy and ectopic...all in the same order. My heart goes out to you. I too did not have the time I needed to grieve. I wish you healing for your heart, and I am so sorry for your loss!!

nutsinmay said...

I am so very very sorry.

sara said...

I'm really sorry that you have had to go through so much already. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping for a quick recovery.

SeaStar said...

her form Lost and Found - I second Amber on "The path to healed is through active grieving." The word fair just doesn't apply to real life at all and I wish you weren't experiencing such a painful manifestation of this truth.

Io said...

I'm over from Pepper's blog. My heart just breaks for you. ::hug::

Amy said...

I'm here from Lost and Found, and I am so sorry this is happening to you. You're in my thoughts.

Michell said...

I'm so very sorry. Hugs to you.

Katie said...

I am so sorry for both of your loses. I know where you are coming from. I know how unfair it is to lose the baby and a tube. I'm sending you big hugs from one ectopic survivor to another.

Away2me (Deanna) said...

Oh I'm so very sorry for you. I can't imagine your pain but I hope you know there are hundreds of cyber sisters thinking of you and keep you close to their hearts right now.

tryingtoconceive said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you're going through. I wish there was something we could do to spare you from this pain.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I knew what your blog was going to say before I read it, as I am here via lost and found, but it was still horrible to read as I could see how your betas kept you hanging on. What a difficult thing to deal with. I'm thinking of you and sending you strength and healing thoughts. Take care of yourself.

Katie said...

Oh, Joonie. My heart is broken for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and the loss of the tube. I can't imagine how dreadful that combination would be.

After my fifth loss, I started to feel that way, too, as if SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE just HAD to be doing this to me. It couldn't just be the bad luck that they kept on talking about.

Just know that you are not alone.

DC said...

I'm so sorry. I'm sending lots of hugs your way.

my cowgirl alter-ego said...

I'm so sorry. I hate that anyone has to do this.

Take care of each other and be kind to yourselves. Peace to you both.

tubelessstl said...

I am so sorry you have had to go through this.

Duchess said...

I am so sorry to learn of your loss.

luna said...

I am so very sorry, joonie. it's so unfair and there are no words.

odds don't seem to mean anything until you're on the wrong side. thinking of you.

Heather.PNR said...

I'm so sorry for your losses, both of your baby and your tube. It's all so unfair.

Emily said...

i am so sorry

Amber said...

I'm so so sorry. I wish I had words to comfort you, but words alone can't seem to do it. You'll be in my thoughts.

Sarah Motes Ashley said...

i too am sorry. I had one last November, it just came out of no where. My first strong pregnancy - in the wrong place! It's unbearable. It sucks to lose a tube, but the next time you get pregnant (and there WILL be a next time) you might be able to take comfort in the fact that at least there is one less place for that embie to wander, and less chance for it to happen again. It turns out that ectopics are far more common with IVF than they say - it could be as high as 5-8% - but of course they don't know why. You will get through this. My prayers are with you.

the Babychaser: said...

Oh no! I was so sure you were going to be my low-beta hero! Oh honey, you must be so devastated.

I am so sorry. I've been there (though I didn't lose my tube) and it's the most awful feeling in the world. Worse, I think, than having a pregnancy just fizzle out on you. Because it's just stupid, dumb, awful, ridiculous luck. Even more ridiculous when, like us, it was after IVF, where the tube wasn't even in play during conception.

I wrote about my ectopic in one of my very first blogs. I don't know if reading it would bring you any comfort, but feel free to look it up if you like. It shouldn't be hard to find. I think it was my worst experience so far, the worst of my life, and it just hurts to think of you going through the same thing.

Try to take good care of yourself, and be gentle with your heart for the next little while. It's gonna be sore.

I'll be checking in on you. Write more when you feel up to it.

Lisa said...

Oh, no, Joonie! I am heartbroken for you. This is just awful news. Please try to take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa from infertileground.com

Freyja said...

I'm sorry. No words of wisdom. No insight. no real anything except to say I'm really and truly sorry.

Cece said...

Oh sweetie - I'm SO sorry. Hugs.