Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I want things to be back to normal(whatever normal is). I want to skip over the whole grieving process and get on with my life. I tried to go to work today, but I just couldn't make it out the door. My doctor told me to stay home for a week, but I thought if I went into the office, I'd help move things along and get back to my routine faster, but I just couldn't. I feel defeated by my pain and my loss.

There is some good news in my life. My Mom got released from the hospital yesterday. She is expected to make a full recovery. I try to take comfort in that, but I can't. I try to be grateful for what I do have, a wonderful husband, my family, my dogs, my job, etc., but I can't. I feel nothing but despair, and I hate that.

You ladies have all been so wonderful and supporting and I know I'm lucky to have you, even if I don't feel particularly lucky right now.


the Babychaser: said...

Normal is going to be hard to come by for a little while, but you'll start feeling better soon. Remember, a lot of this is emotional, and you've had a big shock. But some of this is hormonal as well. The hormone crash after a miscarraige is no joke. So when that eases off, you'll feel better even though you're still grieving.

If you can afford the leave, I would take the whole week off. Take time to do things you like, like seeing movies, or driving through some pretty areas, or going to museums. Something low-key, where you can stop and cry when you want to without worrying what anyone will think.

I know you want this to be over. Believe me, I really do know. But try to give yourself some time. You need it more than you can imagine. Be kind to yourself, and let yourself heal at your own pace.

Take care, honey. I'll be thinking about you.

Amber said...

When I want to escape a movie really does the trick. Also, it's so early to be trying to get back to normal. I know what it is to wake up and suddenly remember..I know what to is to hate being in your own skin. Do what you have to do right now to get through the day..the hour even. What happened is totally horrible, unfair, devastating. Take care of yourself and don't push yourself to be over it so fast. Thinking of you.

Pepper said...

Both Babychaser and Amber make great points and I agree with everything they said. I know what it's like to grieve; it is the hardest thing I've ever done. There's a famous saying that goes something like, "The quickest way to the other side is through" and I think this is so true when it comes to grief. There's just no getting away from it. We'll be here with you the entire way, though.

Big hugs to you.

Cece said...

I was totally shocked after my ectopic too. I was numb for days. I couldn't shake out of the depair I was feeling - I just slept for 2 days. And then I went to work the next week - I was a wreck.

It's totally normal. Your rational mind is telling you that this happens to everyone. But your heart yelling THIS SUCKS! And it does. Take the time to heal. The sadness, while normal, will pass... and remember, your hormones need to stablize too. I know once my HCG was back to zero - I really did feel better.


DC said...

I am so glad your mom's recovering nicely. But you are still hurting, and normalcy probably won't re-enter your life for awhile. Know that we are all here for you. I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs!!

Baby Step said...

You need to let the natural process take place -- don't be so hard on yourself if you don't feel "normal" right away. Even someone strong like yourself needs to give in to the grief and emotion you are going through. Take it slow. It is going to take some time. I am so sorry you have to go through this. ((((HUGS))))