Nightly Conversations

After my embryo transfer last cycle, I would talk to my embryos every night before going to sleep. I would tell them about my day and share my hopes and dreams with them and at the end of the conversation, I would always ask them to "stick around" and "stay with Mommy" coaxing them to implant and grow. Little did I know that I had to be more specific in my request, telling them exactly where to stick!

Why don't you adopt?

Yesterday I was at my nephew's birthday party, he turned 12, when my Mom asked me out of the blue: "Joonie why don't you adopt a kid?" I was so taken aback by that question, I didn't know what to say. I was pondering a response as I was stuffing cake into my mouth, when my Mom realized that I hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation in the room for the last 15 minutes. So she went on to say, "You know, I mean like when you send money for kids in a third world country" I, breathing a sigh of relief said. "Sure. I will".

The truth of the matter is I haven't seriously considered adoption (the non-TV kind) yet. I haven't ruled it out, but I haven't given it much thought. I know that the process of adoption is very invasive to one's privacy. You have to provide all sorts of personal information about yourself and your family to the adoption agencies, etc. I'm not sure my husband will ever go for that. He is an intensely private person to the point of being paranoid. The man shreds all of our junk mail, even advertisement fliers. We have an unlisted number at our house that nobody knows about. My family and friends only call me on my cell phone (they don't have the home phone number). These are just a couple of examples that I can think of off the top of my head. So, I really don't think he'd be up for the providing all the info that goes into adoption paperwork.

Normalcy?

I want things to be back to normal(whatever normal is). I want to skip over the whole grieving process and get on with my life. I tried to go to work today, but I just couldn't make it out the door. My doctor told me to stay home for a week, but I thought if I went into the office, I'd help move things along and get back to my routine faster, but I just couldn't. I feel defeated by my pain and my loss.

There is some good news in my life. My Mom got released from the hospital yesterday. She is expected to make a full recovery. I try to take comfort in that, but I can't. I try to be grateful for what I do have, a wonderful husband, my family, my dogs, my job, etc., but I can't. I feel nothing but despair, and I hate that.

You ladies have all been so wonderful and supporting and I know I'm lucky to have you, even if I don't feel particularly lucky right now.

I am not the one

As it turns out, I am not the low Beta Heroine. I went in for my ultrasound on Friday. Nurse Lovely and Dr. Hotstuff were all smiles. Dr. Hotstuff asked me if I had any symptoms, problems. I said that I've been spotting almost every day and have mild cramping. She said that is normal and nothing to worry about. So they started looking inside of me and searched and searched but there was nothing! The doctor asked where I had my cramps. I said mostly on the left side. So Nurse Lovely moved the wand to the the left and there it was! My embryo! I could see it's heartbeat! The nurse and the doctor looked at each other and Dr. Hotstuff told me: Joonie I'm very sorry. I was confused! What's there to be sorry about? There's my embryo and it has a heartbeat. Dr. Hotstuff said, unfortunately the embryo has implanted in your left fallopian tube. As she said that I felt tears coming down my face, my husband stood up and held my hand. The room was spinning all around me. The doctor said, since the embryo has a heartbeat we cannot treat you medically we have to remove your tube surgically. Since you're already doing IVF, losing a tube ....

At this point I couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. I thought I'm losing my baby and my left tube! It's true I'm doing IVF, but I still like to harbor the fantasy that I'd still be able to conceive on my own some day. Since I was doing so magnificently with both tubes, the malevolent IF dieties decided to take away one, just to see how I'd do.

Dr. Hotstuff continued, Joonie we need to schedule the surgery for today. It's really not safe to wait, we do no want to risk the tube rupturing and causing you internal injuries. I'm not sure how my husband managed to get me out of the clinic and home. At home we waited to hear from the surgeon and the operating room availability. Before I knew it we were at the hospital and I was being prepped for surgery. It all went so fast, I barely had time to process any of my feelings. By Friday night, I was home minus my embryo and my left tube, all hopped up on Percocet.

Today, two days later I'm still high on Percocet and unable to process what's happened to me.

My own RE has called me everyday to check on me. He keeps saying how sorry he is and how the chance of the embryo implantation in the tube while doing IVF treatment is less than one percent! Less than one percent! Lucky me!!

I am a statistician and an engineer. I am very much familiar with numbers and probabilities. When I had my first miscarriage, I thought well the probability of a miscarriage is about 20% so I just got unlucky. It happens. The same thought went through my head with my subsequent chemical pregnancy. When my first round of IVF failed. I thought well, I knew the chances were 50-50. It was a coin-toss. I lost at the game of chance again. But this time, the chance of this happening was less that one percent! One percent! This doesn't feel like bad luck any more. It feels deliberate. Like someone or something is doing this to me on purpose!

Never a dull moment

My mom has been admitted to the hospital for kidney failure. She thought she had the stomach flu a couple of days ago and she wasn't able to keep any food down. Yesterday she was so dehydrated that my Dad finally took her to the emergency room. After hours in the ER she was given and IV and admitted for kidney failure. Her doctor says that the dehydration could have caused the kidney failure and hopefully she will regain her kidney function in a couple of days but she needs to stay in the hospital for the duration and just in case the kidneys don't recover.

I haven't been to the hospital to see her yet. My clinic has told me to avoid ERs and hospital if I can at early stages of pregnancy. I am really torn between wanting to go to the hospital t0 see my Mom and not wanting to put my pregnancy at risk. To make matters worse, my sister has been out of town as well. So my parents are there at the hospital all by themselves.

I know I am supposed to avoid stress, but how does one really do that? Life is stressful. If it's not one thing it's another.

Thumbs Up

Yesterday, I was walking around in the kitchen when I tripped over a dog toy (they are everywhere) and almost fell on my ass. Well, being pregnant and all I was horrified at the thought of falling so I broke my fall with my right hand. Well, more specifically with my right thumb. Let me tell you it hurt! And today I have hitch-hiker's thumb. It has swollen so much that I pretty much can't do anything with my right hand. Who knew you needed your thumb for so many things? I can't write, I can't cloth myself (have difficulty with buttons and zippers). My typing speed is severely compromised. I can barely drive. I don't believe I have broken anything. So this too will pass. In the meantime, it's providing much needed comic relief for my husband.

On the bright side, my beta is up to 1958 and I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday. Yeah!

Exhale!

My beta is up to 550. My nurse said that they'll repeat the beta on Monday and if it's over 1000, they'll schedule an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy a week from Monday. My clinic is so conservative they refuse to even tell me that I'm pregnant until it has been confirmed by an ultrasound, do you guys believe that? Right now, I just have a positive beta test as they put it, but I will only be categorized as pregnant after the ultrasound. I don't care what they say, I am pregnant and I feel pregnant. I know that for many reasons this pregnancy may not be viable. I've had my share of pregnancy loss, however, for now, for today, I AM PREGNANT!

I can't thank all of you enough for your support over the past week. I couldn't have gotten through it without you.

194 and spotting

I got the call from the clinic. My beta is up to 194! And I have started spotting again. Can't have good news without the bad. I guess technically I am pregnant, eventhough this pregnancy may still not be viable. Next beta is scheduled for Friday. I'm taking it one day at a time. At least I had this week off and didn't have to go to work.

As much as I try to keep hope at bay as to not set myself up again for another fall, I so want this to work out. I so want to be the one who started out with low beta and carried to term. Oh please oh please let it be me.

Beta Purgatory

I've had a trying few days and it's not over yet. After my low beta on Friday, I spent the weekend preparing myself for the inevitable loss that was to come on Monday. I kept myself occupied did a lot of retail therapy. We had originally planned to go to the beach this week with my in-laws. I decided it wasn't all bad at least I didn't have to go to work and I could drown my sorrows in a margarita or two. So we decided to leave Tuesday morning (since I had to redo the beta test on Monday).

On Monday I went shopping with my cousin. I just couldn't sit at home and wait for the test results I had to be up and about. Anyway, so I get the call from the clinic in the afternoon. My nurse says that my Beta is rising nicely! It has more than tripled! It is up to 71 right now. However, it is still low and they are concerned and want to repeat the test on Wednesday morning. I could barely contain myself. I immediately called my husband my Mom and my sister and gave them the good news. Well, the IF Gods weren't done playing their game with me yet. An hour after I got the 2nd beta results, I started bleeding. Not spotting, bleeding. I called the clinic and waited for what seemed an eternity for my nurse to call me back. She said it could be the start of a miscarriage and there's not much that can be done about it. All I can do is wait until Wednesday and re-take the blood test. Oh, and I shouldn't leave town (There goes our beach vacation) You can imagine how terrible I felt. Over the past few days I believe I have felt every emotion known to womankind, fear, grief, anger, frustration, loss, hope, joy, ....

Anyway, the bleeding stopped yesterday. I don't even know if I should take that as a good sign. I am incapable of feeling one way or another about anything anymore. I went in for my beta today and am waiting to hear back from the clinic. Thank you all for your kind comments and well wishes.