Exhale!

After a week of bedrest, I went in for my ultrasound yesterday. And all is well. There was a strong fetal heartbeat. Dr. Hotstuff said that there is still some blood at the site of the placenta so I should expect some spotting/light bleeding for another week or two, but not to worry about it. Great big sigh of relief!

I'm telling you ladies, bedrest is just not meant for me. I was driving myself and my poor husband crazy all last week. I know people have to go on bedrest for extended periods of time and I salute them for getting through it with their sanity intact. I almost couldn't make it through last week. I tried my best to relax and have faith and let nature takes its course with my pregnancy. Anyway, it's over and it ended on a high note, so I couldn't be happier.

After my exam Dr. Hotstuff asked me if I had made an appointment with my regular OB yet? My first instinct was to say, no, I never thought I'd make it this far, but I managed to just utter no. She instructed me to do so. At this point I asked for referral to OBs in the area (since my own is about an hour drive from my current residence). She asked me some questions about what I was looking for in an OB (male/female, small/large practice, etc.) and gave me a recommendation. I was so impressed with her taking the time to recommend the right practice. So I got home and called the OB office, the receptionist told me they schedule the first OB appointment for when I'm 10 weeks along. Considering all my previous failed pregnancies had required medical intervention way before week, I thought that's a bit late for a first OB appointment, but I didn't argue with her and just made the appointment, since I have another appointment next week with Dr. Hotstuff (my final 8 week appointment at the RE clinic).

As always thank you for all your well wishes and support.

Another Scare!

Yesterday, I was at work and just about to go to a meeting when I felt warm liquid between my legs. I rushed into the bathroom to find myself bleeding heavily with red blood. I almost passed out at the sight. So I used a maxi pad from the bathroom and ran back to my office and frantically called my clinic and asked for my nurse. The receptionist put me through to her voicemail. I called back telling her that I needed to speak to my nurse and not her voicemail and that it was an emergency. So finally my nurse gets on the phone asking me how bad the bleeding is and whether I am at home. I told her that I was at work. In that case, she said you should go to the clinic's other location which is closer to work, just call them and let them know you're coming in. So I call the other location and explain my predicament to the receptionist. She put me on hold for 15 minutes (and I am not exaggerating cause I was keeping track of time so that I can tell the doctor how long I'd been bleeding), just as I was about to give up and was contemplating going to the emergency room. The receptionist got back on the phone with an attitude to tell me that they can't see me and if my nurse wanted me to be seen at that location she herself should have called it in. I had managed to stay relatively calm up to that point, but right then I lost my composure and broke down and said "but listen lady I'm bleeding heavily" and tears prevented me from uttering anything else. So she puts me on hold for another minute, comes back to tell me that I should go to my own clinic and that they are expecting me.

So I'm not sure how I managed to drive myself to the clinic. On the way, I called my husband and told him to meet me there. So I get to the clinic and am rushed into an exam room. Dr. Hotstuff comes in and puts the ultrasound wand inside me and says cheerfully: "There it is!". I ask "There what is?" She said the baby's heartbeat. I am like, but how is this possible, I'm still bleeding heavily. So she explores inside a bit more and finds an area around the placenta and tells me that's the source of your bleed. You have a sub-chorionic bleed. It's bleeding that occurs when the placenta is attaching itself to the uterus and according to Dr' Hotstuff, it is not uncommon.

So I'm able to breath again. I was so sure the pregnancy was lost and am so thankful that it's not. The bad news is that Dr. Hotstuff prescribed bedrest for the rest of this week and I go back in for another ultrasound on Monday. So it's not over yet, but I'm taking it one day at a time and am so grateful to be pregnant.

300 Calories

According to the medical community a pregnant woman only needs to consume 300 more calories for the development of the fetus. To that I only have one thing to say: No Way in Hell! 300 calories? That's nothing. There's more than that in a single candy bar. I am in need of constant nourishment. I wake up in the middle of the night (sometimes twice) and have to eat something. This is not normal hunger. It's the "I'm starving and I will pass out momentarily if I don't get any food" type of hunger.

Not that I am complaining about pregnancy symptoms. I consider myself lucky to have them and to be pregnant (however tentative that maybe). Specially since I've been spotting/bleeding almost everyday for the last week. So any symptoms, starvation, fatigue, nausea is met with hope and excitement. It's just that I wonder who came up with the 300 calorie number. Maybe that works for people who "forget to have lunch", but not me.

One Long Night

Just as a I started to let my guards down I was faced yet again with uncertainty of life. OK, let me start from the beginning. On Monday I had my second Beta result which came back at an astounding 6453. I was feeling pretty good and told my parents and my sister. My parents were excited and wanted to have us over for a celebratory dinner on Tuesday night.

Tuesday morning I had a bit of spotting. I tried my best to not panic and remembered that spotting in first trimester is not always cause for concern. So by evening, I was feeling good again. We went to my parents and had a lovely dinner. I went to the bathroom after dinner, just to be faced with red blood flow, at this time I broke down into tears and couldn't get enough composure to make my way out of the bathroom. I spent what seemed like a long time in there. When I finally came out to tell my family what was happening, I could barely speak. So I called the emergency number at the clinic. The on-call doctor told me that if the bleeding continues for over an hour and I start having cramps, I should go to the ER, otherwise I should go to the clinic first thing in the morning.

On the drive home the cramping started, I was besides myself. When we got home, I discovered that the bleeding has actually slowed down. So I decided to wait it out. You can imagine what kind of night I had. Going to the bathroom for what seemed like every 15 minutes to check and see what's going on. Anyway, we made it to the clinic in the morning.

Dr. Hotstuff and nurse Grumpy were in the exam room. They did an ultrasound and there it was an actual yolk sak in the uterus. Of course, Dr. Hotstuff said that it was no guarantee of the viability of the pregnancy, but everything is as it should be. I should do another ultrasound in a week to see if there is a heartbeat. She said there was nothing to be done, I should just go home and relax and avoid stress (easier said than done).

We came home somewhat relived, but still confused. I took the rest of the day off and obsessed about every twinge of pain and every small cramp I felt. So, I decided to come to work today to at least keep busy and take my mind off of every little thing that's going on inside.

Thank You! Thank You!

OMG, I am still in shock! My Beta came back at 2267! That is a quite a BFP now, isn't it?

I must apologize for my last post. I was just feeling sorry for myself. Instead of rejoicing in what I have I was throwing myself a pity party. Well, No More! Now I can truly say that I am jumping for joy and I am truly ecstatic. I am still wary of what may lie ahead, but OMG I AM PREGNANT! I am not going to let the cynic in me take the joy away any more!!

Thank you ladies for your support and encouragement as always.

So I Caved

So I broke down and took the HPT this morning. It was Positive! I wish I could say that I'm ecstatic and jumping with joy, but I'm not. Don't get me wrong it's exactly what I had hoped for, but I'm just not a virgin any more. I've been here before. I know what a long path there is between a positive HPT and an actual live baby. This whole IF process has made me so jaded that I am not able to celebrate victories along the way. I hate it!! I wish I could enjoy it and be in the moment, but I can't. Isn't that terrible?

I have an actual live being(s) inside of me (for the moment anyway), but I'm doing my damnest not to dream, not to think, and not to become attached. What kind of joyless life is this anyway? My husband is even more guraded. When I told him the results of the test, he said "Well, congratulations, for now anyway."

How do you ladies get the joy back in your life after repeated failures and heartbreaks? Are you able to see yourself on the other side? With or without a baby?

To Test Or Not To Test

My beta is scheduled for this Friday 9/12. I can't decide whether to take an HPT before then or not. I know once I start taking them, I'll end up taking one every day until beta, hoping for a different result or praying that the result stays the same depending on the outcome.

Part of me, doesn't want to put myself through all that, telling me to wait until Friday for the somewhat definitive beta test. On the other hand, the OCD part of me wants to test every hour of every day until Friday and I oscillate between these two extreme positions. I am driving myself crazy.

When I start thinking of the whole FET process. It all seems so unreal and Sci-Fi like to me. You know, I can wrap my head around the IVF process and see how that could work. But FET? They actually freeze a live embryo and later thaw it expecting it to survive and turn into a real live person? Unreal! I know it does work, but it still seems so out of this world.

On the other hand, I think I actually have pregnancy symptoms. I know it could be the hormones and my imagination. But at times I am certain that I'm pregnant. Other times I fear that I am pregnant and it's another ectopic. I have pains on my left side where the last ectopic was. I know, I know, I'm going crazy. But what can you do?