Non-zero Beta

I don't know what's worse, getting a BFN or a really low Beta. My Beta is 16. So technically I'm pregnant since anything above 5 is considered pregnant. But most likely not for long.

I am a little too numb right now to feel one way or another about it. I was expecting a yes or no answer and I got a most probably no. I hate this!

Two days till Beta

Well, that pretty much sums up my life!

Dream a little dream

I had the most wonderful dream last night! A dream so vivid, so real that it feels more like a memory. I was holding my baby. I still recall the warmth of her body and the smell of her skin. The feeling was divine! It has stayed with me throughout the day.

Blame it on the hormones

I forgot my cousin/BFF's birthday again! This is the second year in a row that I haven't called her on her birthday. Her birthday was on Sunday and that was the day of the retrieval and I just forgot to call her. But that's not all. Once I remembered her birthday yesterday, I still didn't call her. This time I made a conscious choice not to call her. I figured there is a reason why I have been forgetting her birthday two years in a row (that's not like me). After some soul searching I came to the conclusion that I still have some hurt feelings and harbor some resentment towards here. So here's the backstory:

My cousin and I are the same age. We're actually only a week apart (I'm younger). We had a close relationship growing up. We had a lot in common. Eventhough we haven't lived in the same town since we turned 18 and went away to different colleges, we tried to keep in close touch. We both ended up becoming engineers. We both got married in the same year, and so on. We now live on opposite coasts.

When it came to having children our paths differed. She has a son that will turn 4 in June and I'm still here. Now when she got pregnant I was very excited for her! I even flew over to the opposite coast (where she lives now) to visit with her for a week when she was in her second trimester and her husband had to go on a business trip out of the country. Even as I struggled with TTC, her motherhood never bothered me.

However, things started to change after I had my miscarriage last year. She called me once 3 weeks after she had heard the news from my sister. I just expected more from her. When she had a false positive triple screen test and had to wait for her amnio test results, I called her every day and checked on her. But when I had a miscarriage, and I was specially needy, she called me only once 3 weeks later. Her excuse was that she had been busy and really just didn't know what to say to me.

So I realized that eversince my miscarriage last year, I just don't feel the same towards her. It's not like I've actively held a grudge or anything. We have kept in touch and talked on the phone all the while not feeling an ounce of intimacy in our conversations/relationship. For that same reason, I have not shared any of my IF struggles with her.

So now the question is where do we go from here? Will things ever be the same? Should I call her and pour my heart out to her in an attempt to salvage our friendship?

Truth or Dare

I have never been much of dare devil. I've always been very cautious and conservative and chosen "truth" every time. However, I find myself daring to hope again! Eventhough, I know the odds and I have tasted failure before. I am full of hope for the results of this cycle. Once again, I believe! I know, I know, it's crazy, but I'm going to ride the wave of optimism and see how high it takes me. If I have to crash and burn at the end, so be it. I'm going to enjoy it for now!

I had my embryo transfer on Sunday. They put 2 inside and I have seven on ice. Here's hoping I'll never have to stim again!

Lucky 13!

So after a few days of "coasting" which felt like an eternity, I finally triggered on Sunday night and had my egg retrieval yesterday. They got 17 eggs out, 15 of them were mature and according to today's fertilization report 13 have fertilized!! OMG, I cannot believe this! It's been so different from last cycle, it's like I'm a different person (my RE's words, not mine).

I still have a lot of discomfort from yesterday's retrieval. Last time I barely felt anything. My ovaries are still tender and I am extremely bloated and am continuing my diet of protein and gatorade. But I am also so very happy about how this cycle has turned out so far. I don't want to jinx myself but I have definitely gained my optimism back.

I've been tagged

The lovely pepper has tagged me for a meme! How lovely! So here it goes:

Four things I did ten years ago (1998 )
1. Met the love of my life (even though I didn't know it at the time)
2. Had my first (and only) root canal
3. Bought my first new car
4. Got bright red highlights in my pitch black hair

Four things I did five years ago (2003)
1. Bought my first house
2. Got my first Great Dane puppy
3. Discovered the joy of cooking/baking
4. Got my first Tivo box (TV has never been the same!)

Four things I did yesterday
1. Went to my Dr's appointment for IVF monitoring (blood & ultrasound)
2. Drank a gallon of gatorade
3. Interviewed an over-enthusiastic new college grad for an engineering position
4. Watched Monday's episode of Dancing with the Starts on my Tivo

Four shows I love to watch
1. House
2. Lost
3. 4400
4. Rescue me

Four things I love to do
1. Travel
2. Knit & crochet
3. Watch Sci-fi Movies & TV
4. Eat out

Now the fun part! 2Roads, Lisa, Jess, you're it! You have been tagged!

Seesaw

How does one go from poor/slow responder to a candidate for OHSS?

In my first IVF cycle, I was categorized as a poor/slow responder and they had to constantly up my meds and on a good day I had 5 measurable follicles and after 13 days of stims, I had a max E2 of 1900.

Now this cycle, I am on 7 day of stims with an E2 of 4200 and 10 medium sized follicles ranging from 12 to 18 mm. My nurse called me today and said that they are "coasting" me. Basically, keeping me on a holding pattern hoping that my E2 rise will stop and they can do the ER. She also gave me instructions to drink gatorade and eat protein to prevent OHSS.

I'm thinking: What the hell? What is going on with my body? Can't it make up it's mind?

Last cycle they wanted to cancel me due to poor response and this cycle due to OHSS.

Oh yeah, and the only clothes that still fit me are the great maternity/fertility pants!

Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

Yesterday morning I had planned to go to brunch with my sister and my mother after my monitoring appointment and spend the whole day shopping with them afterwards. Well, I overslept in the morning and I had to get ready in a hurry. I just pulled on my Jeans and a tunic and I was out the door and on my way to the clinic. During the 45 minute drive to the clinic, I noticed that my Jeans were fitting too tight around the belly and were making me uncomfortable. I figured the Jeans had just gotten out of the drier and were a little stiff and will soften up in a little bit. However, since I was wearing a tunic I unbuttoned my Jeans without any exposure while driving.

Anyway, I got to the clinic, buttoned up my pants and went inside. During the ultrasound the nurse was not able to find my right ovary. I said "I'm pretty sure it's there" I saw it on the ultrasound a couple of days ago. However, the nurse was having no luck. So the Dr. stepped up and pressed down on my belly/ovary and finally there it was! Like I knew it would be. Everything looked good and I am currently growing 6 eggs. However, afterwards, my ovaries/belly felt tender and bloated.

I went out to breakfast with my sister and my Mom. At breakfast again, I had to unbutton my pants to be able to eat. I was very surprised. I didn't get this uncomfortable last cycle until after about a week of stims. I had only had 3 days of stims! Then we went shopping, half an hour into it I couldn't tolerate my pants anymore and told my Mom: "That's it. I am going into the first maternity store and buying myself a pair of maternity pants". And I did. Oh and they are so comfortable, they were heavenly after the pain and pressure of my Jeans.

Later that afternoon, the nurse called back with my E2 results: 673. That is comparable to my E2 level at day 8 of stims my last cycle. Something is working differently this time.

In short, this is not exactly the circumstances under which I imagined buying maternity clothes! But, I already love those pants! I've been feeling a bit of optimism about this cycle ever since I put on those pants. Maybe it's a sign.

Start of injections

Last night, I started the injections for this cycle. I can't say that I feel one way or another about it. I am still very apathetic about this cycle. I feel that my husband maybe even a little annoyed about it. When I asked him to give me the shots last night. He is like "Oh, it's starting up again!". I know how he feels.