Today is a new day

I went home from work last night. Took a long shower and poured myself a glass of wine. I was starting to make dinner when DH arrived. He was surprised to see me with a glass of wine. DH doesn't drink and I only drink when we have company or when we go out. I told him about my day with JellyBelly and he said: "that explains the wine". He was very sweet and supportive. He said JellyBelly is most likely a bully and I should stand up to him or he will continue his verbal assault on me. I said I'll think about it.

I feel much better and very calm today. The gorgeous weather outside and the sunshine through my office window have helped my mood. I also got a reassuring voicemail from my boss telling me to ignore JellyBelly and that he'll deal with him when he gets back into the office next week.

Now, I can go back to obsessing about this IVF cycle. I have my suppression check Monday morning and stims are likely to start next week. I just can't get excited about this cycle. Last cycle, I was very hopeful. I knew that it may not work (and it didn't), but I believed I had a pretty good chance. Dr. A put my odds at 60% and I believed him! This time not so much! I know it's probably normal to feel this way after a failed cycle, but I have this superstitious feeling that it won't work unless I believe in it and I can't get myself to believe in it. Is that silly?

Not Hormonal!

I got so angry today, I referred to one of our projects' customers as a "Two-faced Self-promoting Ass" to one of his colleagues. Granted, his colleague agreed with my assessment, but this is so out of character for me! I am usually much more composed at work and am able to control my feelings and act in a "professional manner". But today, I just couldn't take it any more. This guy, let's call him "JellyBelly", has over the past couple of weeks, constantly made snide remarks and thrown little insults and innuendos in my direction. I have been ignoring his behavior, because my own management has been behind me and has paid little attention to him. But, today after reading his latest snide comment in an e-mail, I just lost it. I marched over to his colleague's office and mouthed off. Just because he is the damn customer doesn't mean he can go on treating me like this. At times like this I always have to wonder in the back of my mind that in this male-dominated profession, would I have been treated this way if I were a man? Or would a man had taken so much shit before giving as good as he gets?

I'm thinking this is one of the reasons I haven't shared my IF vows with my colleagues and bosses at work. The last thing I want is to be labeled as hormonal and irrational when I have every right to get angry and react!

I haven't even started stimming yet. I don't know how I'm going to continue to deal with JellyBelly next week when I start the injections. My instincts tell me to tell him off completely and publicly.

Side Effects

Years ago, when I was taking BCPs to prevent pregnancy, I had absolutely no side effects from them. No weight gain, no moodiness, nothing. But now, I have a headache that just won't go away, nausea, weight gain, bloating, the works!

That's what got me thinking of the side effect of the IF business all together. Here is my list so far (in no particular order):

Fatigue, frustration, lack of empathy for other people's problems, obsession over the inner-workings of my body, hypersensitivity, irritability, superstition, minimal sex drive, blotchy skin, loss of self-confidence, ...

Care to add to the list?

No pain no gain

I am so out of shape. I can't believe how long I had to work out to get in shape and then how quickly I have fallen out of shape. I didn't work out throughout my last IVF cycle. My nurse advised against aerobic activity and suggested that I do some walking instead. That didn't quite work out for me. The only walking I do is outdoors and with my dogs, since the weather was not cooperating I didn't walk a whole lot. In addition, walking didn't help me relieve stress and no Endorphins either.

This time I told Dr. A that the inactivity really bothered me and I couldn't deal with on the job stress (and IVF stress) without it. So he gave me the go ahead to do as I please, within limits. With my new found freedom, I took a kickboxing class at the local gym last evening. Oh, am I hurting today! But it's good pain, you know, the kind that reminds you, you've done something good for your body. Here's hoping I can keep up my exercise routine and manage my sanity, workload and IF treatments all at the same time!

IVF # 2 - Here I come

I had my consult with Dr. A (my RE) today. Somehow, it wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped. He really didn't have a reason for switching me to the Antagon Protocol. Basically, he wanted to "tweak" the protocol a bit to see if he gets better results.

The Antagon protocol doesn't use Lupron at all. Instead, I will be using Ganirelix after about 6 days of stimming up until the day of the trigger. Dr. A. said since we are not using Lupron for ovarian function suppression (only BCPs), there is a chance that I might develop a lead follicle and they may have to cancel the cycle. So I'm thinking great! One more thing for me to worry about!

Ok, the upside of the protocol, fewer injections! At least that's something.

It just makes me mad!

Last Friday, Dr. A (my RE) called me at work to say how sorry he was that this cycle didn't work and that I shouldn't lose hope and by the way, he'll be changing my protocol to an Antagon protocol. I was so impressed! How sweet of him to call me personally! He could have waited until my appointment on Tuesday to say all that stuff!

Well, today my nurse calls me to let me know that since I had a chat with Dr. A I don't need to come in for a consult and they'll be canceling my appointment. I, surprised at the turn of events, and having run out of a contentious meeting at work to answer the ever important call from the clinic, was dumbfounded and didn't say much. Once, I went back into the meeting, however, I couldn't concentrate on what was going on and I started to get angrier and angrier... . What do they mean I don't NEED to come in for appointment. Of course, I NEED to come in. I barely had a 30 second conversation with Dr. A in the middle of a stressful work day. I didn't get to review my last cycle. I didn't get to ask any questions about the new protocol or the reasons for switching to it. I got angry with myself for not standing up for myself with the nurse and telling her my needs in no uncertain terms. I got angry for thinking it was nice of Dr. A to take time out of his busy schedule and call me!

So I tried calling back my nurse and letting her know that I want and need to come in for a consult. Of course, the phone rings and rings and no voicemail. So I ended up sending her an e-mail. Now I'm waiting to hear back from her.

April Fool's

So it turns out the joke is on me. My beta test today was negative as I expected. My attempts at moving up the beta test were unsuccessful (Thanks for suggesting it ladies).

I've had a rough couple of days. I go from feeling angry to disappointed to sad and back to angry again. I appreciate all of your comments and your good wishes (Pepper you're awesome).