On Time Arrival

My AF arrived right on time yesterday. I went in for my baseline appointment this morning. Everything checks out. I start on the Del Estrogen shots tonight. Yippie! How I have missed the needles (NOT!). The FET protocol seems very simple. I only go in one more time (8/25) for a lining check and the transfer is scheduled for 8/29, the Friday before labor day weekend.

I'm kind of excited to be off the bench. I'm not sure how I feel about my chances of success for this cycle, but at least I am doing something.

Good News!

I talked to my nurse yesterday and my FET has been moved up! Yeah! She said if I manage to get my period early next week, I can start the cycle right away and have a tentative transfer date of Aug 29th. Apparently the embryology lab will be open the last week of August and they had a cancellation so they can fit me in.

I am so happy I don't have to wait another month. OK, I didn't do everything I thought I would do between cycles (exercise, lose weight, etc.), but I'm so glad that the wait will be over soon. I feel like since I started TTC, I've been waiting (and hoping) for something or other to happen and it's really wearing me down.

Here's to getting on the roller-coaster of another cycle!

2 Steps Forward 3 Steps back

This past weekend I went on an all girls trip with my sister and two of our female cousins. It was great! I had a lot of fun. We went to the beach and had ourselves a really good time. I was able to join in and have a drink or two (or three) with the rest of them and let myself forget about all my troubles for a while.

On the way back, I was dropping off one of my cousins at her house, it was just the two of us in the car, when she out of nowhere asked if I was going to try to get pregnant again! Now she knows of my recent ectopic pregnancy, but she doesn't know about my IF struggles. Of course, instead of responding, I started crying. My poor cousin, helplessly tried to console me to no avail. I just couldn't stop the tears, I must have gone on for what it seemed like a very long time. She kept apologizing for being insensitive and thoughtless, etc. etc. In the end, just as we approached her house, I was able to stop crying and tell her that I have a hard time talking about it right now and left it at that.

Absenteeism

I know I have been absent from my blog for a long time. Truth be told, I have been absent from my life for just as long. I mean, I have been going through the motions, going to work, making dinner, walking the dogs, visiting with family, etc., but through it all, I haven't really been there! It's like my life is a movie I'm watching on TV. I haven't been able to feel anything. I'm not sad or dejected, just not there. The crazy part is no one seems to have noticed. Occasionally, my husband has suspected that I may not be all there, but he has been walking on eggshells around me lately. So as far as he's concerned lack of emotional response may be a good thing for now.

Today, however, for the first time in a long time, I cried. I cried in the shower when I saw the scars from the tube removal surgery. I cried when my puppy (OK at 3.5 years, he's really not a puppy anymore) fell down the stairs in an overzealous attempt to walk me out to my car. Later on my way to work, on a conference call, I had an emotional response(slightly raised my voice) while disagreeing with a coworker. So I figured if I'm returning to my real life, I should also make an appearance in my virtual life.

Thank you all for your support all this time!

What's Next?

I had my follow-up appointment with my RE yesterday. He was nice and sympathetic as usual. He apologized again for the outcome of the cycle. So I was all armed and ready with all my questions about how defective I am after this surgery and how the lack of one tube will affect my fertility, if I were to try and conceive naturally. I know, it's a funny question to ask, considering I haven't had much success on my own. But I had managed to conceive twice without medical intervention. I just never carried to term (or anywhere close to term). Anyway, his answers as usual were not any more enlightening than the research I had done myself on the subject.

So onto FET#1. Since their embryology lab shuts down for a couple of weeks in August. My next chance for a cycle is in September. I hate waiting.

Nightly Conversations

After my embryo transfer last cycle, I would talk to my embryos every night before going to sleep. I would tell them about my day and share my hopes and dreams with them and at the end of the conversation, I would always ask them to "stick around" and "stay with Mommy" coaxing them to implant and grow. Little did I know that I had to be more specific in my request, telling them exactly where to stick!

Why don't you adopt?

Yesterday I was at my nephew's birthday party, he turned 12, when my Mom asked me out of the blue: "Joonie why don't you adopt a kid?" I was so taken aback by that question, I didn't know what to say. I was pondering a response as I was stuffing cake into my mouth, when my Mom realized that I hadn't really been paying attention to the conversation in the room for the last 15 minutes. So she went on to say, "You know, I mean like when you send money for kids in a third world country" I, breathing a sigh of relief said. "Sure. I will".

The truth of the matter is I haven't seriously considered adoption (the non-TV kind) yet. I haven't ruled it out, but I haven't given it much thought. I know that the process of adoption is very invasive to one's privacy. You have to provide all sorts of personal information about yourself and your family to the adoption agencies, etc. I'm not sure my husband will ever go for that. He is an intensely private person to the point of being paranoid. The man shreds all of our junk mail, even advertisement fliers. We have an unlisted number at our house that nobody knows about. My family and friends only call me on my cell phone (they don't have the home phone number). These are just a couple of examples that I can think of off the top of my head. So, I really don't think he'd be up for the providing all the info that goes into adoption paperwork.